Archive for June, 2020

Pleasant Evenings Amidst Unsettling Days…

June 9, 2020

The early evenings are now pleasant in temperature. Summer has not technically arrived but it’s weather has. Yet the quiet, tranquil nature of these days are interrupted and blunted by disturbing events. We are still afflicted by disease and now we are confronted with social unrest. It is hard to enjoy tranquility when your physical safety, in one or more forms, is constantly threatened.

I understand why there is such appeal for gardens; They are a tranquil oasis in a sea of discontent. They are timeless; Historians may be able to tell heritage varieties from our current crop of flowers, fruits and vegetables but, besides the contemporary styling of gardens, can one honestly tell if a rose was grown today or three hundred years ago?

One, though, can not stay in a garden forever. The rest of the world needs to be confronted, analyzed and a course of action taken to rectify whatever is occurring outside of the garden. Even gardens need constant maintenance in order for their true grandeur to be realized.

Is there ever a day when someone can enjoy a pleasant evening without the shadow of impending and crushing responsibility looming? Perhaps that’s the whole point, that the sensation of joy is just an illusion, that we willfully forget the imposing danger constantly lurking in the shadows to appreciate the beauty (however superficial that it may be) of a garden.

Ad Astra (2019 movie) thoughts…

June 8, 2020

This won’t be a review; I have no time to go through a complete analysis of the movie.

Overall, the movie was “nice.” It was well-made. Yet it also feels very unsatisfying. The best part of the movie is simply the theme of the movie in depicting what life might be like one hundred years from now. It isn’t entirely out of the question that, in one hundred years, flights to the Moon might be semi-normal (but still fairly complicated and expensive) along with lunar crime (a bit implausible but… OK…).

There’s just this sense that, once you watched the movie, there’s not much there. It’s about a son going to confront his absent father and… That’s it. There’s no “there” there. The journey is, for the most part, the movie. The movie could have been made in the time period of the American Civil War, the Cold War, in contemporary times…

It’s a nice looking film but, in the end, it just didn’t go anywhere for me. I did like the little psychological speech that Brad Pitt always had to give himself, though. I thought that was a nice touch.

I am being tested…

June 7, 2020

Even when I am at rest, I am being tested. My patience is tested. I dare say that my sanity is being tested.

Age brings upon you more worry than can be readily dismissed, even if one gives the utmost effort at dismissing it. And this is a time of great worry for many reasons.

I am tired of anxiety but is it anxiety that is vexing me or is it something greater? I do not know. It is normal to be tired after working hard but I suffer from bouts of weakness that can not easily be explained away by physical exertion. Is it aging? Perhaps. Is it… something else? I do not know. Is it anxiety?

There are so many tasks at hand to accomplish. So little time.

Responsibility is a burden that should be wished onto no one. But it one that we are forced to take as we age.

Age is a test. Am I failing it? I do not know.

Another Day of Anxiety…

June 6, 2020

We impose upon the unknown the worst possible scenario. We perform this sadomasochistic act upon ourselves, strangely enough, for our own psychological benefit. Should the unknown even be slightly less ominous than the worst possible scenario, we conclude that we were fortunate to escape an even more egregious fate. We rob ourselves, in effect, of the hope that the outcome might actually be favorable, either through our own actions or from some outside influence that shall always remain unknown.

I have written before of my poor qualifications to be a leader for I wilt quite effortlessly when confronted with the unknown. I am being confronted with the unknown, at the moment, in several different ways.

I understand that the only way to confront the unknown successfully is to take the actions necessary to know what is currently unknown. Unfortunately, there are many actions that I can not take that would alleviate some of the unknowns if taken.

I do what I can in order to keep to task but the anxiety of confronting the unknown is often too great for me. I hope that other people are made of more resilient will.

For now, I endure. It is all that I can do.

Should I Walk Away?

June 5, 2020

A singer-songwriter once sang that “Only the good die young.” I do not know what the singer’s meant of that vaguely-worded phrase. I have learned, the hard way, of at least one possible interpretation.

My bold action, for which I alluded to earlier, has not yielded the results that I had hoped for. If anything, the boldness may well be having the opposite effect. I am unaccustomed to performing bold actions; I do not have the expertise to execute bold moves as others.

From this experience, I must remind myself that I am not emotionally fit to be a leader. I do not have the temperament of calmness when I am confronted with severe adversity. I am fortunate in that I am physically and visually distanced from those who block my path.

I am fortunate that the weekend and, by extension, a brief reprieve from the stresses of a very volatile week is upon me.

I know not what the beginning of next week shall bring. I should learn quickly to enjoy this weekend as it is and brace for the turbulent week that follows.

Mired Down…

June 4, 2020

The problem with being committed towards work is that work only creates more work. It is an endless cycle.

Yet the alternative to not working and making progress is an eventual degradation in your quality of life. “Next man up” may well be a motivational slogan meant to boost morale but the slogan only works if the ‘next man up’ is just as good, if not better, than the man that is being replaced. Often, that is not the case.

I continue to see endless projects and tasks all around me. It is hard not to be overwhelmed by the prospect of never-ending work.

When one commits themselves to labor, it is often to labor for which they are not experienced. Such is the case with myself. For many tasks that I presently face, I have only the vaguest idea of how to accomplish them with any proficiency.

All, though, is not ‘doom and gloom’; I have found a pair of running socks.

At least one task, albeit a tremendously minor one, has been resolved. If only all of the other tasks were that easy.

A time for boldness…

June 3, 2020

I do not consider myself bold. No one will ever mistake me for being bold.

Simply because I am not known for boldness does not mean that, for moments, I can’t be bold. And, today, I was bold.

As was typically the case, in hindsight, I should have been bolder. I should have been bolder a lot sooner. Yet today I took the bold option. I hope that the decision was wise. I hope that my lack of boldness earlier does not come bestow upon my any great consequence. I have already, in my mind, paid a hefty price for being cautious.

I have not forgotten about my prior priorities: Running socks & finding a font for a project of mine. I have not succeeded, yet, with either of those priorities.

Despite my efforts to repair the many deficient aspects of my life, all that I see around me are further tasks needing my attention.

I could very well spend the rest of my life toiling away at bolstering my quality of life… But it is a necessary toil and one that is a long time in the making.

The long road ahead…

June 2, 2020

There is too much rust. I’m too old. There are too many tasks in front of me. Those tasks are hard. There is not enough time to perform those tasks.

Any worthwhile journey seems impossible at first to those who stand at the very beginning of that journey. They feel as though they don’t have the skills to succeed. The patience. The personnel. The materials. The knowledge. The time. The sheer will.

Failure is always an option but failure only occurs when you do not choose the right path to success.

I start my journey with two tasks:

* Find an acceptable font for a writing project that I had started on a previous computer.

* Find another pair of running socks for the time being.

You have to start small.

Indecision…

June 1, 2020

I suppose that everyone must start “somewhere.” “Somewhere,” for a lot of people, including myself, is not the most desirable place to be especially when compared to where they want to be.

But “somewhere” is where I shall start because that is where all of my prior actions have led me up to this point.

This blog shall live again. I have looked into the mirror and the mirror has reflected back an image that I did not enjoy seeing.

And so my first decision in resurrecting this blog is simply to write.

Any direction is a better direction than standing still. Standing still is what has brought me to “somewhere.” It is time to go somewhere else and, more preferably, to somewhere better.

Perhaps my first goal is to familiarize myself with WordPress’ new blog post editor. It shall be one goal of many.