Hanna & Hellboy…

I Tried to Watch Them & Failed… After the Break…

Hanna & Hellboy…

I can’t watch movies anymore. I just can’t.

I try. I really do try. I make an effort but… Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe I have “Movies Diabetes,” whereby I’ve seen so many movies that my brain just can’t derive any more pleasure from them.

I recently attempted to watch two movies: Hanna (a 2011 movie) and Hellboy (a 2019 movie). The fact that both movies begin with the letter “H” was merely a coincidence.

Hanna is about a young teenage girl who happens to be some sort of super soldier-y person. I think that the movie began to fail me within the first few moment when Hanna kills a deer with a bow and arrow.

Look – I know that conservatives and Republicans are going to read that and reply, “What’s so wrong about that?! People eat meat and you have to kill animals to eat MEAT!!!” Stop. This isn’t a political discussion; This is a discussion as to whether or not a movie is entertaining. Movies tend to be entertaining when the central character is sympathetic to the audience. You don’t make a character sympathetic to an audience by having that character kill Bambi within the first few moments of the movie.

Ignoring that moment, though, the movie had all sorts of fits and false starts. Although the main villain is a woman who wants to kill the “father” of the teenage girl, the primary villain of the movie is some sort of LGBTQIA+ blond-haired guy who whistles a lot. Now, I have nothing against LGBTQIA+ assassins; I’m sure that they’re great people besides the fact that they’re assassins. However, it plays more as parody than as seriousness. You want your villains to be perceived as serious as opposed to being picked up from the cutting room floor of discarded Saturday Night Live sketches.

I’m just not sure who this movie was for or what it was about or what it wanted to say. There wasn’t enough action in it for it to be an action movie. I suppose the closest that it could be was a Dramaction movie (I just made that word up) where it’s mostly drama but there’s enough action in it to mistake it for being an action movie.

Next up is Hellboy, which is a reboot of the Hellboy movie franchise from about 15 some odd years ago which is based upon a graphic novel of same name.

For those who can’t be bothered, it’s about a demon who doesn’t think like a demon and who has a really large, stone-like fist.

I’m honestly not sure why they rebooted this franchise. Part of my problem is that I’m just not into gore anymore and whenever you have movies of this type, there’s always gore because there are monsters and monster have saliva dripping from their mouths and there’s blood and there’s puke and… It was all a little off-putting. I’m not going to criticize the actor who played Hellboy (as opposed to Ron Perlman, the first actor to portray Hellboy) because there was nothing to complain about. I think that the plot was just… Not there. It was too much.

Look – A bit of advice for scriptwriters… No exposition. Stop. If you start your movie with exposition then you’re doing it wrong. I understand that you have to build a foundation because the climax of the movie has to be Earth-shattering but it doesn’t; There doesn’t have to be Earth-shattering consequences, we just need to be entertained. Now, I know what people are going to write, “But Star Wars movies start with scrolling text” and you’d be right but it’s Star Wars and Hellboy isn’t Star Wars.

I think that’s what ultimately sank this film; The climax was too big and it had too much consequence. It should have had much more humble goals.

The film wasn’t all bad, there were cute moments in the film (crushing the smartphones, “puking” up spirits) but if the film had just toned down the plot and concentrated on just Hellboy, the character, I think that it would’ve succeeded a lot better.

I don’t consider either of these evaluations as reviews because I did skip through some sections of each movie once I found each movie boring in it’s own right. However, I did make an earnest attempt to watch the movies and, therefore, those are my thoughts on the parts of the movie that I did see.

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