Prelude…

Prelude… after the break…

Prelude…

Because I am too lazy to write comprehensive posts on all of these topics separately, here they are in one smelting pot of a post…

DEAR YOUNG BEARDED MAN IN THE BLUE PICK-UP TRUCK…

The concept of traffic lights… Please learn it. Traffic lights are not optional. It is not a suggestion to stop when the light is red. The light is red for many reasons. The chief reason is that it protects people from colliding with you and, by extension, preventing you from colliding with them. Now, it would be one thing if the light just turned red. I would understand if you had blown through the intersection had that been the case. That was not the case. The light had long since turned red when you decided that, you know, traffic lights are optional. Blowing through the traffic light could have caused a collision with me. That would have been bad. Please learn the concept of traffic lights so that you (and all of the people who must suffer by driving on the same road with you) may live a long and fruitful life.

DEAR SQUIRRELS…

Let’s talk about roads for a moment. Crossing them is optional. You don’t have to cross a road if you don’t want to. I’m sure that, as a squirrel, you could lead a long and very wonderful life if you did not cross a road. You could find an appropriate squirrel spouse, raise a squirrel family, buy a squirrel home and work at a squirrel factory… All without having to cross a road. No one is suggesting that you have to cross a road. Crossing a road is completely and totally optional. It is completely and totally your choice.

However, should you decide to endeavor by crossing a road (which is entirely optional, mind you), please allow me to offer some advice to you…

CROSS THE FVCKING ROAD, YOU FURRY FVCKING NITWITS!

There are times when indecision is a wise thing. You do not want to be hasty in deciding amongst very delicate life-altering choices. You want to take your time in choosing the best path for your squishy squirrel existence.

STOPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF A FVCKING LANE IS NOT THE TIME TO PONDER YOUR LIFE-ALTERING CHOICES!

The general plan for crossing a road is to decide that you are going to cross a road, examine the road to see if you are going to be squished and, should you decide that you will not be squished… Cross the road. It would be a swell idea if you ponder during a time when a multi-ton vehicle is not racing towards you. I drive slow but my tires are not made of marshmellows. You will squish exactly the same way if I roll over you at 25 MPH or 55 MPH. I avoided you the last time out of sheer luck alone. Next time, take the initiative and cross the road with decisiveness. Thank you.

DEAR PEDESTRIANS…

See “Dear Squirrels.”

I might also add the following: Walk and run against traffic, bike with traffic. Yes, I am glad that you listen to your “tunes” while you run / jog / walk / bike but listening to traffic… Those funny metallic rolly things that could hurt you if they collide with you… Might be a better option.

Also: You are not a car. Cars are cars. There are many cars in the world but none of them are shaped just like you. Including you. If you are not a car, your place on the road is not in the middle of a driving lane. That is reserved for cars. The big metal rolly things that are most definitely heavier than you and will win in a ramming contest. Please stay to the side of the road so that we may both have an uneventful experience using the exact same road.

DEAR CNN…

It is not “Breaking News” if it happened 12 hours ago. I don’t care how important the event was. The same news event does not “break” for 12 straight hours. Stop it. The same goes for all of you other news networks.

I think that covers everything for now.

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