Priest (2011 movie) Impressions…

Priest (2011 movie) Impressions after the break…

Priest (2011 movie) Impressions…

I can’t review this movie. I honestly can’t. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be “right.”

Some movies are just plain bad. Not bad in a “let’s pop some popcorn and revel in it’s horrible nature.” Not bad as in, “My gosh – My 7-year old nephew could direct a better film then this.”

No, some movies are so bad that they are just invisible. They force you into a state of indifference you thought that you never knew you had.

To describe the plot of “Priest” (a 2011 movie) would be like cracking open a novel written by a 15-year old addicted to Red Bull and depressed that the cute girl in class absolutely, flat-out turned him down for the dance and that he wasn’t even invited to the after-dance drinking party where everyone attempts to get laid. The movie has something to do with Jedi Knights, the Weird Wild West and vampires in a post-apocalyptic, alternate future setting.

The graphics (I’m going to call them graphics but, really, the technical term is “CGI”) look fine but the story is just so… I can’t even find the energy to properly describe this movie without inadvertently insulting it.

To give you just one example out of many how this movie turns the average viewer completely indifferent, at one point, a traveling salesman is booted out of town by a hard-as-nails sheriff. The traveling salesman, while being booted out of town, gets a glimpse of our hero (he’s not hard to miss – He’s got a huge freakin’ Christian cross tattooed onto his face). He tells the villain about the hero and the villain promptly turns the salesman into a half-vampire thingy (they have a term for it in the movie but I can’t care enough to remember what it is). Now, a better film would have recognized the set-up that the sheriff and the salesman hate each other and then create a showdown of sorts at the climax of the film. Unfortunately, for this film, the salesman exits stage right and is never seen from ever again.

There’s just so much “red meat” that is thrown towards the young, hyper-active teenage crowd in this film that bowing your head and muttering to yourself won’t even begin to compensate for the mental onslaught one receives while attempting to watch this film. Perhaps this film ought to be used as a litmus test to see if you’ve finally graduated into adulthood. How quickly one shuts the movie off should be a gauge towards one’s maturity level – If you turn it off when you realize that the movie needs a significant animated introduction to allow the viewer to get up to speed on what they need to know about the movie in order to appreciate it, then congratulations – You win. You receive the award of being a mature adult. Collect your sanity as a prize and exit stage left, secure in the knowledge that you get to think rational and happy thoughts for another day.

I know it’s never polite to outright insult a movie but was this ever intended to be a movie? When will producers learn that graphic novels and movies are not as compatible as the youth demographic make them out to be? Graphic novels can afford to bleed as much teenage angst as they want because that is their demographic – Young teenage boys and their mental equivalents. Movies need to be significantly more broad-based because graphic novels are cheaper to produce then that of a major motion picture.

I can’t review this film because it’s not a film. It’s a graphic novel pretending to be a film, pretending so hard to be cool and hip and edgy and aloof and all of those really cool things that kids try to be before they realize that those things really aren’t all that cool and the rest of us are trying to hide our snickering from them.

“Priest” isn’t a movie – It’s a demonstration of what happens when producers keep thinking that adapting graphic novels into actual films is a good idea. It’s the logical extension of the local multiplex turning into a non-interactive video game.

I can’t review this film. It’s just a series of set pieces and plot cliches wrapped up in fairly nice production values. Maybe the film should have just pictured someone reading the graphic novel instead, with the camera being over the person’s shoulder the entire time.

Please don’t watch this film, unless you are 15 years old and think that people with crosses on their faces doing Jedi Knight ninja moves against CGI vampire creatures in a post-apocalyptic Wild West alternate future is the cooliest thing you could possibly imagine ever until you die. Otherwise, you will only be disappointing yourself. You have been warned.

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