Office Etiquette…

Office Etiquette after the break…

Office Etiquette…

Here are some handy tips if you want to really be liked around the office or, at the very least, not be hated when your back is turned:

  1. Don’t Sing To Your Music. You know, everyone in this office knows that the job is sihtty. You’re underpaid, under-appreciated, overworked… It takes a lot to get through the work day without putting an axe blade through someone’s skull. A little music always seems to make the time go just a wee bit faster then it normally would. However… Please… Do not sing to your music. Do not mumble to your music. Do not hum to your music. It makes you look… Well, pathetic. “Like you need mental help” pathetic. And yes, we can hear you.
  2. Don’t Play Religious / Ethnic Music. OK, we get it. You were raised by your Wackistani relatives. Or, you were born in Whereverstan and immigrated to this great country of ours. Or, your parents were hard-core religious and more then a tiny bit of that madness rubbed off on you. However… The rest of your office is not. We aren’t from Wackistan, Whereverstan and we definitely have no desire to convert to [whatever you think is the most totally rad religion here]. Please, do your office a favor and keep the ethnic and/or religious music at home. Yes, we can hear it, even if it is only playing in your earbuds.
  3. Don’t Tell Me What a Jerk Your Ex-Husband Is. Ladies, we get it – You like to talk. And you’re only one angry thought away from turning that talk into btiching. And the one area where you ladies have an inexhaustible supply of btiching is when you talk about your ex-husbands. Look… I am really sorry that your marriage went bad. I am sorry that he drank / ate / smoked too much or didn’t do enough house work or didn’t have enough time for you or decided his career was more important then listening to you agonize over which piece of expensive crappy merchandise to buy at the store today. Really. I do. However… I don’t want to hear about it. Ever. Not even a little, tiny bit. I definitely do not want to hear about how he’s now dating someone 15 years his junior or how he had the gall to invite you to his wedding or how he now has to find a job elsewhere because he got fired for his [fill in excessive behavior here]. I want to work (and get paid… Mostly get paid but I know I need to work to get paid) – This is why I go to work. Work does not mean, “Listen to you btich about how your husband is dating a supermodel and how that supermodel’s Dad thinks that your ex-husband is a really cool guy.” Also, for the men, see Don’t Tell Me How Your Ex-Wife Is Such a Btich.
  4. Don’t Tell Me About Your Kids’ Problems. Whenever women decide to let sperm into their sexual organs, it is a safe bet that a lot of time, children will be produced. Children, not having the decades of mature experience that adults tend (and should) to have, have problems. Some have emotional problems. Some have physical problems. Some have situational problems. Some have developmental problems. I don’t want to hear about any of them… At all. Neither does the office. Yes, we know it’s hard to potty-train a child. Yes, we know that you have to take a child to a doctor a lot. Yes, we understand that young teenagers are rebellious for no good reason, do not want jobs, do not come home “on time,” text too much, borrow too much money, wear make-up or earrings far too young to when you started doing them, etc. so forth. This is what is referred to as a “personal problem.” It a problem for you. Do not try to hand the problem off to us. I came to work to work, not to get worried about the fact that your child needs to see a specialist because of [fill in ailment here]. For people with marriage problems, see I’m Sorry That Your Marriage Sucks But Don’t Tell Me What Your Spouse Did To You Last Night.

The idea is that, despite the flaws in your personal life, you arrive at work and perform your duties with a little sense of professional decorum. In all lives, a little rain must fall. If your computer finally died, if your car isn’t running right… Fine, I get it. Please, vent for a moment and get it over with. However, there’s a difference between relating an incident where you passed a motor vehicle accident on your way home and then telling us that your nephew might have brain cancer. Yes, there is a difference. One is a cute little aside (not a cute little aside for those in the motor vehicle accident but you get the drift…) while the other is dire and is meant to evoke an emotional response from the rest of us.

Thank you.

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