don’t be a prick…

don’t be a prick after the break…

don’t be a prick…

you know what? whenever i have a totally sihtty, absolutely fcuktastic work day, i have to remind myself that it’s all relative. i live in a great country where the roads aren’t mostly dirt, where i don’t have to worry about what ethnicity i am or what clan i’m in or what caste system i’m in… the lights always turn on, the water isn’t brown or radioactive… there’s always food on the table…

in short, there are millions – ok, most likely, billions of people out there who have it worse off then me. they’re dying of cancer or some other disease or they’re from some tribe & this other tribe hates them & wants to beat them up because their religion isn’t the same as this other religion… there’s all sorts of sob stories out there & they all trump my lousy fcuking day by a country mile & more.

however…

here’s my advice to all the would-be managers of the world. are you listening? good. here it is…

DON’T BE A FCUKING PRICK!

it’s so simple that even i can do it. see, here’s the thing: workers work their fcuking asses off all day long. we’re workers. we know the drill – we work while you guys… i don’t know, “manage.” whatever that means. probably talk to even bigger idiots then even you are. that’s what a lot of managers do – talk, talk, talk & then, when you’re done talking… continue to fcuking talk.

so, in a land of a billion decisions every day that i have to make in my work day, i make a few mistakes. not huge mistakes. not, “hey, was i supposed to burn that million dollars before or after i clubbed the baby seal to death?” mistakes, but mistakes nonetheless. little mistakes. stubbing your toe kind of mistakes. it happens to everyone. your fly is open type of mistakes.

now, if you’re a good boss, you understand this concept. siht happens. clean it up, get back to work. that’s how a good boss handles it. why? because good bosses know that, at the end of the day, it’s the job that counts, not how much they’re being a fcuking prick.

a bad boss? nah. let’s start drilling everyone for everything they’ve done wrong since they’ve walked through the door.

let me tell you – murder is illegal just about everywhere in the civilized world. i don’t have murder in my heart. it’s just not me. it could be others, but it’s not me. i watch violent tv shows, i watch violent movies, play violent video games. however, that’s all fantasy. i can separate the fantasy from the reality. i can separate business from pleasure. just because i watch a superhero beat down 15 bad guys with his pinky & a rolled-up magazine doesn’t mean that i’m compelled to do so. it’s a movie. message received.

however, bad bosses aren’t doing themselves any favors when they’re being pricks. do i like pricks? fcuk no. you people are ashsoles & if a gorilla jumped out of nowhere & started pummeling you like a suitcase commercial, my only reaction would be to get some popcorn & watch the show until the end credits roll. the cops can save your butt, that’s why they get paid the big bucks. if the gorilla was pummeling someone who wasn’t a prick? different story, maybe a different ending.

do i fcuking make mistakes on purpose? fcuk no, part 2. mistakes waste my time which means i get less siht done. less siht done means i just have more siht to do later because siht is like energy – it can neither be destroyed or created, just transferred to some other sorry ashsole who has to work on it like i had to.

so, in the end, stop being pricks you fcuking manager ashsole motherfcukers. it makes you look like a fool. it makes you look like you can’t manage your way out of a paper bag. and as much as you think you have siht on us, we have a whole cubic ton of siht on you. do you want me to dish out a cubic ton of siht whi-pass on you? do not even tempt me. do not even think for a moment i will not step over that line because i will laugh every micro-second while i do just that.

just shut up, sit down, go back to talking about which teen idol you’d like to screw around with if you were 17 again & let the people who can actually perform their job do so. your day is over now. thank you for reminding me that i’ve stubbed my toe. here’s a shiny metal object. go stare at it for a while.

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