10,000 BC & The Simpsons Movie…

Movie reviews for 10,000 BC & The Simpsons Movie all after the break…

Personal Note First: I may start daily updates again soon. I’m beginning to fill my brain with unsavory opinions that I just can’t express except for spewing them out entirely unedited here. You’ve been dutifully warned.

10,000 BC (2008 movie)…

Imagine if two 14-year old boys who’ve never been laid in their entire lives, will never be laid in their entire lives, have no other friends but each other & do nothing but play video games all day long suddenly decided to write a movie about early mankind civilizations.

Yeah.

Why not just give them the keys to the family car & tell them to practice their budding NASCAR careers on the local highway. the resulting proverbial train wreck would’ve been better then “10,000 BC.”

I honestly tried to watch 10,000 BC. I really, really did. Unfortunately, two things prevented me from enjoying this movie: Reality & Common Sense.

The plot, as far as I could stomach, involved a bunch of people stealing a hot babe & her beefy boyfriend going after the babe to rescue her. At some point there are some killer giant ostriches & then the climax is at the pyramids but they aren’t the pyramids because the pyramids were built after 10,000 BC but there’s some conspiracy theory that whines that the pyramids were built before when the “evil mainstream” archeologists says that they were built & wouldn’t it be cooler if they had been built befo…

See? If the above sentence hurt your brain, then you stand no chance of watching this movie without your brain evaporating, complete with a cartoon-y *poof* sound effect added. Really, I did everything I could to watch the movie short of duct taping myself to the HDTV set & throwing the remote out of my reach.

In the end, I’m sure it had “w@y c00l f/x w a b!tch!n’ hot bbe” or however the adolescent text-messagers have massacred the english language describe it. However, I didn’t go to that party, nor do I really want to find out who puked on what & who accidentally did who while wasted.

The Simpsons Movie –

I’ll confess – I used to laugh with “The Simpsons.” That year, though, was before 1991. Ever since then, the joke has gotten old for me. I don’t get it. Nothing has really changed but “The Simpsons” has made Matt Groening(sp?) a multi-trillionaire who never has to work a day in his life every again should he choose to do so. Good for you, kind sir. However, I just didn’t dig this movie because the joke had turned old long before Bill Clinton entered his second term as president.

In brief, the town that the main characters live in is placed in a literal bubble for some environmental reason caused by the father figure. The family escapes once the town realizes what he’s done & they move to Alaska & everything is briefly fine until the town is threatened to be destroyed & then they go back & save the town. There’s your movie.

Again, the humor simply bounces off of me. There’s nothing new or original or exciting here & it’s one of those TV shows that becomes successful & some movie executive says “Hey! Let’s make a movie out of this TV show” & enough boneheads actually agree to it & then it happens. Really – It has slightly better production values then your typical Simpsons episode but split this movie into three or four episodes, slap it onto TV & not too many people would bat an eyelash distinguishing those episodes from the army of other episodes never destined for the big screen.

I suppose that if I had to choose between the two movies, I wouldn’t choose either.

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