Weekend Edition…

portal: prelude (portal mod), absence & clive barker’s the plague (2006 movie) after the break…

portal: prelude (portal mod)…

short story long – i hate the software distribution system or whatever the fcuk it is “steam” & it’s never going onto my system. i hate obtrusive software regardless of the feel-good, lawyer-smiling bulls/hit that people foist upon you. no, steam will not make my life better. no, steam will not make my “pc gaming experience” (whatever the fcuk that means) better. it’s obtrusive software meant to complicate my life & look over my shoulder under the guise of big brother. go away or make better games. one or the other.

however, my dad has no qualms with downloading & installing anything short of something labeled, “yup, i’m a virus – install me & i’ll turn your pc into a paper weight.” otherwise, it’s all systems go which translates for this story into being that he downloaded & installed steam.

well, since he already had the game “portal” on his system already, i figured i’d download & test out a mod i’d heard about called “portal: prelude” which is an unofficial prequel to the storyline of portal. the storyline of portal, btw, is that a homicidal computer called glados keeps constantly killing test subjects who are being “tested” while trying to use the portal gun. as the female hero, you eventually figure all of this out & destroy glados & it’s a huge open-ended mystery as to whether you live or die or whatever. those types of endings are very popular amongst game writers so that, gosh forbid, the game makes any money it keeps their options open for a sequel.

regardless, portal: prelude takes you back to a time when glados was just a twinkle in someone’s eye & the test are being run by incompetent humans instead.

kids, i’ll cut to the chase now – it sucks. yeah, i know. sorry to piss all over your baby but it sucks.

look, i have absolutely no time to time my jumps perfectly or do any of the other master ninja moves required to get that extra little height or distance out of my portal jumps. it ain’t happening. the fun of the original game was figuring out the puzzle, not oogling over whether you shot your portal oh-so-critically to the left or to the right. yah – i know – “this is for experts!” – no, this is for anal-retentive portal intelligentsia types.

sorry. no sale. go back & make portal fun again. bye bye.

absence…

so, i didn’t write anything for the last two days. i haven’t been feeling too well so i’ve just been laying back doing as little as possible. i still don’t feel well but at least it’s the weekend so i can afford to lounge around & do things that absorb some time. so, that’s why i missed two days. mystery solved.

clive barker’s the plague (2006 movie)…

if you don’t know who clive barker is, he’s some sort of horror movie guy who’s gotten vaguely famous. i think his big claim to fame was that “hellraiser” film which is just demonic sadomasochists. there’s your film – demonic sadomasochists. i’m beginning to think that one-hit wonder attention whores are the only people who ever attach their names to virutally everything & anything they touch. look, i’m sure people like tom clancy, jon stewart, john carpenter & george romero were all great people at one time or another but, honestly… do they have to attach their names to everything? it’s sort of obnoxious & defeats the whole purpose of that “quality” mirage one would get when a name is attached to something because, let’s face it, none of those guys siht gold bricks on cue.

so, anyway, i tried watching this straight-to-dvd blunder & there was just no room for this movie in my mind. yeah, i’m still not feeling well but… zombie film, folks… it should never be that hard to make a zombie film. of course they have to screw it up. why else is it straight-to-dvd?

before i go further – yes, i know all about the stupid little drama behind the scenes of how the producers liked everything before they didn’t like everything & how they shut the director out of the final cut & how the final cut was made to look more exciting & simplistic & all of that other shenanigans. this is a review of the craptastic producer’s cut that is the only cut currently available, for all of you movieholic purists out there who know better.

anyway, where was i? oh yes, the actual plot – all of the kids below the age of 9 or something go into a coma & shake once or twice a day. one day, they come out of their coma & kill people. one guy figures out that it’s all about fear & he gets touched by some special child zombie, he disappears & his romantic interest is the only one left alive & she’s now immune to the zombies because she doesn’t fear & the little special child zombie has the guy’s “grapes of wrath” book in his pocket. or something. it was a lame plot. sorry, but it was.

ok, look – i may be perverted – stop – i’m probably perverted – but, getting back to the point – what was the point of this movie? ok, folks, listen up. listen closely. listen very, very closely. only going to say it once. listen up.

it’s a fcuking zombie film! the first rule of zombie films is that zombies are the stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars! stars!

how many fcuking times am i going to have write that?! how many?! if you’re going to make a zombie film (which, regardless of what version this is, isn’t or could be, is), then screw the exposition on the human survivors – i don’t want to know. when you make a zombie film, the zombies are the stars. the end, thank you for playing.

it’s not like there weren’t moments that didn’t suck. there’s this one scene where this guy thinks that a zombie is climbing up a bedsheet rope after him & just as he releases the rope, he realizes that it’s a human survivor & he’s just essentially killed this survivor. that’s fcuking cool (not killing the survivor, just the plot twist)! very cool! keep that because it was different & added a little something extra to the movie that you wouldn’t find normally in other films. also… ok, i can’t think of anything else at the moment, but what i described earlier was cool.

however, there are so many things that are wrong with this film i can’t even begin to count them all. first, nothing is ever explained really. who are they? what are they? why are they doing what they are doing? if you’re going to the intellectual route, then answer some questions. i know that there’s some sort of analogy with the book “grapes of wrath” but folks… it’s a zombie movie. zombie fcuking movie! grapes of wrath & zombie movie don’t mix.

anyway, i won’t even touch on all the porno film directions this film could’ve taken off at. i mean, let’s be serious – you have a nation of comatose young adults, aged 18-19 (and below) that have to be strapped down daily… you figure it out, you shouldn’t need any help from me on this.

i don’t know… people should just stop trying to put intelligence into zombie movies which, i guess, this movie tried to do before they tried taking the intelligence out but it did no good because i can’t figure this movie out, anyway. best to just put the intelligence & all the tea-sipping analogies back in the way that it should. not that i’d like it anyway.

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