Weekend Edition…

daily kos vs ralph nader, enchanted (2007 film), duke city (oblivion mod), aliens vs predator 2 (2007 movie) & guy x (2005 movie) all after the break…

daily kos vs ralph nader…

normally i wouldn’t comment on something like this but i really think it needs to be addressed.

ok, we’re all blogs here & i can’t write anything in good standing because, let’s face it – on a good day, 20 people visit my blog. not my posts, just the blog itself. on some of these popular blogs, you get 20 people per second. that’s some serious muscle. so, far be it for me to say anything else about another person’s blog…


i really have to take exception to the very uncharacteristic comments that the daily kos guy made (i think his name is markos something, i can’t be certain because keeping up with the who’s who in blog royalty is above my pay grade) about ralph nader.

if you’ve been under a rock lately, here’s the score – ralph nader is a lawyer who rose to prominance in the 1960’s & beyond by exposing the rather not-so-fair practices of large businesses trying to make money at the safety & well-being of their consumers. not cool. this guy was a big factor in putting seat belts in cars (yeah, there was a time when there were no seat belts in cars) & a whole bunch of other safety regulations that allowed little tommy & susie not to accidentally die because the toys they were playing with were toxic or anything like that. anywho, he’s run for president a bunch of times already, the most notorious of which was in 2000 when people claimed he swung the vote from al gore to george w. bush by bing a “spoiler,” which just means that if nader wasn’t in the race, those same voters probably would’ve chosen al gore over george bush.

the daily kos blog is a fairly hard-core “pro-democrat” blog (look, i know that democrats like the word “democratic” instead but, look, “democratic” can have more then one meaning. it can mean “democracy” or “pro-democratic party” & as much as democrats would like to think, the two aren’t synonymous. yeah, i know, write to your congressperson about it, therefore, i’m using “democrat” in this instance) that really rose to prominance over the past few years & the guy who created the blog, markos something (markos, the daily kos, get it?) has actually achieved a little bit of fame outside of the whole blogospherical world because his blog is so big & juicy.

ok, now that that’s all straightened out, i guess markos wrote some rather derogatory things about ralph nader & here is where i make my comments. next paragraph.

you, sir are an a$$hole. there, i said it. shut the fcuk up, sit down, & rejoice that you have a democrat president-elect. here’s the score – he was helping save lives long before your mom & dad fcuked each other & out popped you so give the man a little respect. he’s got a fcuk-ton more street cred then you will ever have & in a toe-to-toe debate on actual issues, he wins. yes, he really is that good.

yeah, i know – but he threw the 2000 election to george bush! no, he didn’t. al gore fcuked up his own campaign, played it safe & got beat. it’s al gore’s responsibility to elect al gore, not ralph nader’s. let it go, good sir, let it go. you’re acting like those persons that write “denis leary stole all of bill hicks’ lines!” well, maybe & maybe not but bill hicks is long since past this mortal coil & the relevancy is neither here nor there even if we could determine the truth which we can’t.

congrats are in order for you in making a premiere blog that a lot of people view for their viewing pleasure but, really, shut the fcuk up & stay focused on making sure that barack obama actually spits in the direction of all those campaign promises he espoused in order for him to get elected in the first place. think you can handle that? i’m sure you can. now be a good boy & go away.

enchanted (2007 film)…

i started watching this film under the premise that it would be a parody of all of the “happily ever after” animated movies that disney has produced over the years.

this film may well deliver on that premise but, man, i just couldn’t get past the beginning. the beginning is just a killer. maybe if you’re a young girl or you’re simply a flamer who cares not one lick anymore what anyone thinks of you, then this beginning is more then just tolerable. however, the beginning is simply… ugh. i know that no one likes criticism but was disney actually thinking that any self-respecting male would watch this? i can completely relate to any male who walked out of the theater once they realized what an unabashed estrogen-fest the opening is.

i’ll try to watch this movie again at some point but i seriously doubt it. i need to wash the opening of this movie out of my mind post-haste.

duke city (oblivion mod)…

i really hate large, expansive oblivion mods that can’t convert themselves into omods. kids, gather around for a moment, ok? gather ’round because i really need to say this to all the oblivion modders (and probably prospective fallout 3 modders as well)…

convert your siht into an omod. ok? ok.

i mean, with an omod, all you do is plug the file in & you’re done. that’s it. i really don’t understand what the hold up is with authors of large, expansive mods not converting their multi-billion directory mods into a simple, single omod. an omod is like a video game cartridge except it’s not a cartridge but a file.

like that’ll really be listened to, but, anyway…

so, i got desperate for a little oblivion action & i figured… why not? this mod called “duke city” looks vastly different & i’ll look at that.

let me spare you the suspense – don’t do it. i know, i know, it’s a beta. i realize that, in oblivion mod speak, “beta” means “i’m too fcuking lazy to actually finish my mod, you do it for me” but i was hoping for a more fulfilling experience.

in brief, this mod takes into a modern day urbanish (and french-speaking) environment. truth be told, i never realized that france was so fcuking violent. dude, don’t you guys wear berets, eat croissants, watching crappy black & white movies & then insult americans all day long? what’s the deal? did someone cut off the supply of jerry lewis movies or something? chill, ok? just chill.

except for the environment, there really isn’t much to see. you can go into an apartment, a sex shop, some art gallery & a drug (as in weed, not aspirin) manufacturing facility. various thugs (i’m guessing they’re thugs, although they were called whatever thugs are called in french & no, it’s not “le thug”) try to kill you, naturally.

look, all of this took an uber-ton of work & i’m sure no one appreciates someone like myself writing things like “man, this was a waste of time” but, man, this was a waste of time. look, the person who made this has talent but they’ve got to put that talent into something that creates an entire package, not just different scenery. i really don’t know what to write – it’s traveling down a different road but the destination is not worth staying at by any stretch of the imagination.

unless you really, really, really want to see oblivion try to emulate a c-rate decaying urban environment, you’re better off not copying & pasting for a good couple of minutes all of the directories necessary to get this mod working. it’s just that simple.

aliens vs predator 2 (2007 movie)…

let’s face it – this is a fun movie. maybe it’s a bad movie. maybe it’s a cheesy movie. most would consider this a gross movie. i can guarantee you that it would most definitely fall into what most people would consider to be a “ballsy” category. however, at the end of the day… this is a fun movie.

aliens vs predator is sort of the modern equivalent of “dracula vs the wolfman,” two movie monsters, each respected in their own franchise, crossing over to do battle in one film. on the one hand, you have the 1970’s aliens from the movie “alien” – the acid-for-blood space cockroaches who’s bite is definitely worse then it’s bark. on the other hand, you have the 1980’s predators (yeah, i know enthusiasts call them “yuatja” or whatever but their predators) from the movie “predator” – super-strong space hunters with scary, wacky mandibles topped with rastafarian hair.

this movie is a sequel, happening moments after the first movie, “aliens vs predator” ends. in that movie, a brand-new baby alien (a cross-breed of alien & predator, dubbed the “predalien”) pops forth & brings destruction to the predators’ ship which forces it to crash to earth. the predalien & all the facehuggers (the way that aliens reproduce) escape & it’s madness aplenty for one rural town as they deal with not only the literal definition of “illegal aliens” but also a bona-fide predator sent to mop up the mess through any means necessary.

like any stupid movie attempts (and fails at miserably), this movie tries to make us care about the humans caught in the crossfire. meet the mom home from iraq! meet the pizza delivery guy constantly bullied by some bully! meet the bully’s girlfriend who really likes the pizza delivery guy! meet the sheriff! meet… you get the idea.

ok, this movie is dumb. dumber then a big box of rocks. it just keeps jumping from one monster encounter to another with a malicious glee rarely displayed in modern flicks. however, it’s so unrepently stupid & happy at the same time that you just have to love it. probably the only moments where the movie truly trips up (yeah, i know, but i wrote “truly trips up”) is trying to establish the pizza guy crush with the blond-haired blue-eyed cheerleader stereotype (especially considering how that turns out by the end of the film). ugh. please. back to the action, will ya? i want to see who gets it next.

in all seriousness, some kudos must be extended to a film that really uses a lot of humans as cannon fodder for the aliens & predator. really – no one is spared in this movie which is awkwardly refreshing. so often in movies, you’ll think to yourself, “they can’t kill that character, that character is a [demographic that would be very politically-incorrect to kill].” nah. not this film. be prepared to think to yourself “wow, i can’t believe they had the balls to actually kill that character off.” in a sadistic & morbid way, the unrepentent carnage brought a smile to my face more times then i’d admit.

while the movie doesn’t exactly do itself any favors by not obviously lending itself to a sequel, never underestimate the creativity of a scriptwriting hack to unpaint a franchise out of a corner that it’s painted themselves in. jason voorhees, anyone?

guy x (2005 movie)

first off, let me be clear – this film bored me. i hate being bored. being bored sucks. it bored me such that i fast-forwarded through parts of it hoping for the “brief nudity” that it supposedly had. apparently, i must’ve missed it because i didn’t see any.

“guy x” is set in 1979, greenland on a remote us army base. a man originally meant to be sent to hawaii is sent to greenland instead & begins a crash-course on understanding the weirdness of the base. a lot of the cliches are here on display – soldiers that get excited over the smallest of minutia (in this case, loading & unloading cargo airplanes), a wacky & slightly scary base commander (in this case, a bearded base commander with a penchant for baseball & self-aggrandizing through the forced use of an invented base newspaper), odd & stupid base rituals as well as the pre-requisite beautiful female army soldier that inevitably becomes the main character’s love interest.

the problem i had with this movie was the fact that this film doesn’t know what it wants to be. let me spoil the movie for you so that you aren’t trapped into watching this film yourself.

the base secretly houses a bunch of gruesomely-mutilated army veterans that, i’m guessing, would’ve been too politically damaging to send home. so, they are cared for at the base until they die. “guy x” is michael ironside playing the only mutilated army veteran that has enough marbles left to talk. if this all sound intriguing, it isn’t because the movie can’t figure out whether it’s a comedy that happens to have a lame x-files subplot or if it’s a lame x-files episode that just so happens to have a lot of “subtle comedy” in it. and by “subtle comedy,” i mean that “comedy meant for smart people because dumb people wouldn’t get all of the subtle ‘it takes 30 minutes to set up’ jokes which really aren’t funny to begin with but smart people laugh at them because they don’t want to look like they were fooled into watching an otherwise unfunny movie.”

not enough comedy to be a comedy movie. not enough suspense to be a thriller. not enough x-files to appeal to the tinfoil hat crowd. absolutely no skin that i could find (i checked).

this movie is supposedly based on a book & i have to guess that “the book is better” by default because if this movie is any indication of how the book is, it’s one more reason why i don’t go to the library anymore.

really – pick a genre & stick with it. just that simple. concentrate on the wacky dead-end career of the soldier grunts & it would’ve been a nice “m*a*s*h” movie. concentrate on the mutilated veterans & it would’ve been an ok if lame “x-files” movie. but by splitting the difference, this film delivers for neither crowd. boring. skip it.


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