Weekend Edition…

i’m an idiot, wonder woman & mall kiosks after the break…

i’m an idiot…

i can no longer be a presidential candidate for the rest of my life. i am an idiot.

let me explain.

see, a lot of microwave pizzas have instructions for cooking their pizza in both the microwave and a conventional oven. they need two sets of instructions, naturally, because the method of cooking the pizza is different for a microwave & a conventional oven.

conventional ovens often have longer cooking times then a microwave.

that above fact was one i overlooked when i decided to enter the conventional oven’s cooking time into the microwave by accident.

i burnt the pizza. i cracked the plate that the pizza was on.

i am an idiot & i have learned my lesson. i am really sorry that my momentary lapse of idiot-ness cracked the plate & i deeply apologize for whomever made that plate. your plate, sadly, died in vain as a direct result of idiot-ness.

we return you to your regularly scheduled blog entries.

wonder woman…

i don’t “get” the character of wonder woman. for those who don’t know, wonder woman is a super hero (heroine, if you want technicalities) that runs around in boots, a one-piece bathing suit, & a magic lasso. she also flies around in a translucent airplane. i siht you not; read it for yourself if you don’t believe me.

why can’t we just admit what everyone thinks about – we all want to see wonder woman naked & having sex with other super heroes, ok? are we that mature of a civilization to actually admit reality yet? she’s a sex object & we all want to “conquer” her. hardee har-har. code unraveled. have a nice day.

i mean… magic lasso. come on. magic lasso. this is about as thinly-veiled as the whole “alice in wonderland” thing where the guy who wrote it was a pedophile in all other ways except having been publicly branded a pedophile.

also, what’s the deal with the outfit? can you run around with those boot thingies on? look, i can’t claim any special knowledge about the whole jiggling thing but i’m guessing her one-piece there doesn’t exactly control the jiggling too well when she’s running around trying to “lasso” the bad guys. i mean, you’re a busty young super heroine & your first choise as a superhero costume is a one-piece bathing suit? in boots? yeah. ok.

we don’t need a movie about wonder woman. are you honestly a fan of wonder woman? really? do you really read that comic for the story? what if wonder woman was as flat as a pancake? would you read it then? yeah. i’m sure.

and before anyone starts spewing out that wonder woman is a positive role model, let’s re-state the facts as we know them: busty long-haired female caucasian, running around in a skimpy one-piece with a magic lasso. in boots.

i mean… who’s her enemies that she fights against? women in two-pieces? men who run around in one-pieces & carry magic lassoes? i don’t get it. i can’t even tell you if she has an arch-nemisis or not. she probably does.

look, if you need pr0n that badly (and who doesn’t?), just go onto the internet & enjoy. it ain’t that hard to find. otherwise, let’s gently move the “my first pr0n magazine” piece of fluff to the recycling bin where it belongs, mkay?

mall kiosks…

you know, i don’t expect much from malls anymore. i don’t know why. malls used to be cool places to hang out, where you & your friends could go to grab some fast food, play at the arcade (arcades.. whatever happened to those?) & then hang at one of your friend’s house watching a sci-fi staple like “aliens” or flirt with females in a failed attempt to have sexual intercourse with them.

then, malls started to suck. bad. and not in a sexual way.

see, malls started to get these “kiosks” in them. if you don’t know what the word “kiosk” is, it basically means like a sihtty little cart that’s trying to sell you crap. right in the mall. see, malls have these really wide halls & some idiot one day thought to themselves, “holy siht! if we put a cart in the middle of this huge fcuking wide hallway, we can make even more fcuking money! win!”

so, now we have to put up with these fcuking “kiosks” if you want to go into the mall. i know i’m late to this party; kiosks have been in malls for quite a long time but they have finally annoyed me enough for me to write about them.

ok, let me speak to the fcuking mall executive people for a moment. gather around, mall boss people. are you listening? good. here it goes:

get rid of your fcuking kiosks, ashsoles! they suck, they pester me, their crap is useless! if you need more money, get better siht in your regular stores & at cheaper prices!

did you get all of that? good.

you know, the beauty of a mall is that you can ultimately control your shopping experience. if i don’t want to be in a store anymore, i can leave. bye bye. no more store. you can’t do that, though, with all of these kiosks around. the kiosk people pester you in that “carnival barker” tradition.

no, i do not want to take your crappy survey which is just a thinly-veiled attempt at selling me some sort of membership to a spa.

no, i do not need anymore shampoo.

no, i don’t want your sihtty toy helicopters, calendars, self-portraits or other useless pile of siht.

no, i don’t need a better cellphone, cheaper cellphone, fancier cellphone or a cellphone that can simultaneously make a latte while calculate my federal taxes.

no, go away. go the fcuk away, leave me alone, get the fcuk away from me! unless you’re some hot chick willing to have sex with me right this instant, i don’t want to hear about it!

don’t like my attitude? get a better fcuking job then being a fcuking glorified carnival barker & then you won’t ever have to deal with my @ss for as long as you live. bye bye.

and they wonder why i rarely spend my money anymore…

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