Weekend Edition…

30 days of night (movie), spore (game), gang of the dead (movie) & the invasion (movie) after the break…

i suppose i have to take a break from complaining / laughing / mentally vomiting about sarah palin. so, without further ado (but don’t expect this particular embargo to last)…

30 days of night (movie)…

i watched this film and… I liked the first 90% of it. very nice, even if a bit factually off the mark. i mean, if you’re going to portray barrow, alaska, so inaccurately (at least they got the snow right), why not just make it a fictional town. fictional town, just slightly north of barrow. pisses barrow off that they lose the title. see? all better.

in a nutshell, vampires descend upon barrow while barrow experiences it’s fictional “30 days of night” meaning complete & total darkness for 30 days regardless of the hour of day. completely inaccurate but nifty. a lone sheriff (again, inaccurate) must protect the few remaining survivors from the vampires until daylight emerges.

this actually wasn’t a bad little film throughout most of the film. it looked nice (hey, gang of the dead, are you listening?) & actually tried to be a real movie. i do have some nitpicks about it, starting with ending. i know the comic book (this whole thing is based on a comic book) has the macabre ending & i’m sure comic book enthusiasts must love it that the film preserved the comic book ending but, really… i don’t dig sad endings. i just… well, when you get older (or, more accurately, more mature) you’ll understand. throw us a bone, people – i don’t waste nearly 2 hours to leave the movie depressed. and they wonder why i don’t go to the movies anymore…?

i suppose my other main nitpick is too many characters. stop! “good plot” does not equal “more characters then i can remember.” towards the end, there’s some bearded cop & he’s injured & he’s hiding out &… i have no clue who this guy is. who is he? what does he mean? have i seen him before? there’s also a little girl vampire & when she’s killed everyone’s acting like they knew her &… did i see that girl before? was that relevant? i can’t remember. this film is making me feel like john mccain having to answer actual questions from people not employed at fox news. maybe i should start taking notes.

ok, fine… one more nitpick. i know that they’re vampires &, of course, in the foggy world of vampires, anything goes. they’re fast, they’re ugly, they smart… whatever. they need blood, they don’t need blood… hey, whatever floats your boat. however, if they’re going to be someplace cold like, say… barrow, alaska… do me a favor? dress them for the part! yah, i know, “they’re vampires & vampires don’t get cold & blah blah biddity blah blah”… shut up. why not just make them wear hawaiian shirts & shorts, then? ok, it’s freakin’ cold out, you’re trying to make me believe it’s cold out and… these people are dressed for a “business casual” party. don’t vampires even care about the fact that they’ve got blood all over their nice clothes? doesn’t it even cross their mind? do they do laundry?

don’t get me wrong – i liked most of this film, but… well, some aspects needed more work then others. from my understanding, the sequels to the comic book dive straight into the typical “goth wet dream” vampire setting that all vampire lovers tend to crave nowadays with the sheriff being resurrected & the love interest also turning into a vampire & the fbi investigating vampires & all sorts of other nonsense. therefore, i’m guessing this is it for the movie part of this franchise unless it becomes some sort of cheapo direct-to-dvd affair.

that’s my review.

spore (game)…

i am sick of hearing about this fcuking game. what next? can it cure cancer, bring world peace & kill adolf hitler before he rises to power, too? it can seemingly do everything else.

i am sick & tired of the mega-hype spin some of these games get nowadays. it is getting downright political, that’s how deep the bullsiht is. no, your game is not the next greatest game in the world ever to be made, it’s just another stupid, watered-down rpg that won’t intimidate the console kiddies who are used to not thinking because they’re too busy taking hits off their bongs that their parents believe they don’t have. no, your game is not the next greatest game in the world, it’s just another stupid fps with very light rpg elements thrown in to make it look more sophisticated then it really is.

do i feel sorry for the gaming industry? in a very roundabout way, i guess. look, if you make a great movie, they worship your name. if you are a great actor, they worship your name. great music? same thing. great athlete? front of the wheaties box you go. great artist? your napkin doodles sell for thousands.

great game? nah, never heard of you in your entire life unless i’m an obsessive-compulsive fan bordering on stalking.

so, yeah, i guess the gaming industry is more then a little obsessive about hyping up their crap. all creators are attention whores to some degree – i mean, how many people have successful business when they go, “oh, well, i guess you could buy my crap if you want… if you like it enough… i don’t want to pressure you or anything…”.

however, whenever i hear crap about spore being the next uber-ultra-mega “where were you when spore decided to grace us with it’s deity-like presence on this humble planet of ours?” game it just turns me off entirely to the game.

remember the last “oh my gosh! thank goodness i’m alive right now so i can witness the re-birth of our civilization thanks to this product” game called ‘bioshock’? remember that? remember all the crap they said about that game & how it would do everything from carbonate your windshield wiper fluid to helping you solve the time-space continuum paradigm? the crap was a fps shooter. yeah. welcome to “watered-down system shock 2 with prettier graphics,” population you with $50 buck less in your wallet.

so, spore… sorry. i’m sorry i’m not naming a child after you, building a fcuking shrine in your honor or any of that crap. i just don’t believe in your hype. nope. not a bit. same thing goes with fallout 3 “no, for the last time, i’m not oblivion with guns… oh, wait… i think i really am…”.

i will see all of you mega-hyped games in the bargain bin about 2-3 years from now (let’s say 2011). have a nice day.

gang of the dead (movie)…

here’s a rhetorical question – do bad directors gravitate towards making zombie films or do zombie films make a director look bad? don’t be a wisea** & answer “yes” to that, either.

ok, i’m going to make this really simple for anyone reading this.

rule #1 – in a zombie film, the zombies are always the stars! look, fill your stupid movie with as much “plot” & “character” as you want – in the end, people want to see zombies chowing down on human flesh. surprise! i’m not watching your film to unpeel the subtle layers of analogy, i’m watching to see who gets eaten first & how.

i can’t even tell you what this film is about because it made the lame attempt at having a plot. if i had to take a guess, it involves a black gang, a hispanic gang, some undercover cops & a tv reporter all converging on your typical run-down warehouse just as a crashed meteor transforms the homeless into your typical bloodthirsty zombies.

bah. this movie sucked. oh, here’s rule #2…

rule #2 – everytime your zombie movie doesn’t have zombies on the screen, your movie sucks. unless you have hot ladies running around naked on the screen, a zombie movie without zombies in it is like a porno movie without any porno in it. no matter how contrived, keep the zombies in the frame! at all times! i don’t care about your human characters – blah blah blah, will i live, will i not live, blah blah blah… screw that, put more zombies on the screen! if i want a drama, i’ll turn on a fcuking soap opera! i ain’t interested in how your character will reform their life if they make it out alive, bring on the zombies! that’s what i’m watching your stupid movie for!

i can’t honestly tell you anything about this movie because i lost interest in it pretty early on & just fast-forwarded to the parts that had the action in it. in the end, the two chicks are the only ones still alive & they see los angeles getting hit with all these meteors like the one that started this whole movie. there’s your ending. the end.

oh, and can filmmakers please stop using whatever wal-mart, bargain shelf film stock they’re using that makes their film look like it was filmed using the cheapest camcorder they could possibly find? if your film looks like siht, people are going to treat it like siht! i can’t tell you how many of these films i’ve watched where the film looks like it was shot on your grandma’s camcorder! real films use real film stock & if you btich to me that it’s real expensive & that’s why you use your tonka toy camcorder, then you need to raise some more money for your film. the end.

oh, and even though they claim there’s nudity in this film, i didn’t see any, not that any of that would’ve helped this film. i sometimes wonder if i should re-cut these films myself, place it on youtube right along side the original version & see which one people like more. unfortunately, that would involve work & being exposed to this film again which i try to avoid as vigoriously as i can.

the invasion (movie)…

see, this is how a movie should look. watch this movie, gang of the dead – that’s how your movie should have looked.

if you think i liked this movie even better, though… you’re wrong. it wears the dunce cap right alongside gang of the dead but for an entirely different reason.

this is yet another re-telling of “the invasion of the body snatchers” & i have to be honest in that i just wasn’t feeling this movie. whenever you see a movie like this, you know what’s going to happen – people with a hive mentality trying to usurp the world from our ugly mugs. what you have to do is make it exciting, original.

you know what? here’s what i would’ve done. the psychiatrist (nicole kidman – hah! nicole kidman playing a psychiatrist!) is going through all this crap in her life. suddenly, she starts noticing weird things – her neighbor’s acting all responsible, things like that. is she cracking up herself or is something really happening? see – original! you never know if the btich is cracking up or not, the film doesn’t lean one way or the other. that’s a movie i’d be willing to watch. the problem with body snatcher remakes is that you know what’s going to happen.

probably the one thing i liked about this film was that it showed ordinary people trying to hide amongst the invaders by acting completely flat. i liked that. it showed a little spark & maybe they could’ve played up that angle a little more. follow a group of people around as they try to fake their way through a city or something. maybe add a “war of the worlds” angle in that they take over the bodies but the bodies die soon afterwards so they’re constantly trying to grab new bodies. i dunno.

anyway, another dud.


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