Weekend Edition…

daggerfall memories: the liberation of cybiades (oblivion mod, v1.0), chained heat (movie), morroblivion, sour milk, fear itself (tv series), dead heist (movie) & washout (tv series) all after the break…

daggerfall memories: the liberation of cybiades (oblivion mod, v1.0)…

man can not play with nude mods alone. oh no, occasionally, i dabble with new lands & other fancy modifications with the game “oblivion” as well.

anyway, i downloaded & installed “daggerfall memories: the liberation of cybiades” which is a mod for the game “oblivion.” if you don’t have oblivion & have about $10 dollars burning a hole in your pocket, you can get the standard edition or if you want all the bells & whistles & whatnot, you can pay full retail for the obligatory “game of the year” edition. your call.

i played daggerfall (an earlier game in the whole “elder scrolls” line of games, of which “oblivion” is one of them) eons ago. apparently, this mod is supposed to make me feel right at home & if that’s the case, i have amnesia. now, before i continue with the review let me go over some politically correct points so i don’t outright enrage the people who made this mod:

  • you have more fat skillz then me. rejoice. really, i don’t have too much in the way of marketable skills & my unmarketable skills aren’t that great, either. i can write a “hello, world” program if i concentrate hard, change oil in my car without winding up with too many scraped knuckles, can distinguish between a plant & a weed some of the time… you get the idea. imagine the amount of time it would take for me to make something even remotely close to this = i’d have to quit my job & go on a 4-month sabbatical studying nothing but this & then maybe i’d have a spitting chance of doing something like this. otherwise, you beat me.
  • this is a review of version 1.0, not the 2.1 which is supposedly the latest. i only downloaded version 1.0, not knowing until after completing the mod that there is a version 2.1 which adds a dungeon & other nifty things. readers, beware!

so, let me describe this wondrous mod: stand in a city (i waited in the capital myself) & wait a while. a man runs up to you, says that an island is in trouble & you need to help the people on the island. run to some coast area just north of the city of anvil, get on the boat, get off the boat, run down the only path of the island until you get to a farm where everyone is standing in a circle getting zapped by some weird ball thingy, talk to the one guy in the circle who can talk to you, run through the spiral path up the mountain, go into the temple, talk to the man who tells you it’s all a trap & the guy that you talked to is really behind it all, go back the way you came fighting an assortment of creatures, get a visit from the guy in the beginning telling you that you’ll meet again aannnddd… that’s it. run back to the village, listen to their freakish sob stories, go back onto the boat, go back to cyrodil, travel back to the island, go back to the village & – whamo! – there’s a free tower… all for you. the end.

ok, here’s the deal & i’ll try to sugar coat it for y’all:

da good!

  • voice acting didn’t suck. i wouldn’t call it fantastic but it didn’t suck. some people did a better job then others. the recording quality of the voices wasn’t up to par with oblivion but oblivion is a professional game & this is a fan mod so, for a fan mod, they did pretty darn good.
  • villagers were different. in oblivion, most people could be swapped out with other people & you’d never know the difference. not so here – this is the island of misfit toys except with people. liked the little background stories, adds depth to a role-playing game like oblivion, which depends upon depth for that thing called playability. are you listening, bethesda? hello? hello?! anyway, nice touch.
  • big, realistic farm. cyrodil must import most of their food because there’s no way they can support themselves with the puny little farms that they have. cybiades has a large farm that looks like it has a fighting chance of feeding it’s inhabitants. score a point for realism.

ok, here comes da bad!

  • quest was short & stupid. seriously, this reminded me of that stupid fps trend a few years back when consoles were even more sihtty then they were now & couldn’t afford to create large spaces so they had you running back & forth between points & always filling it up with enemies to make the level seems larger then it was. same thing here – go to temple, then retrace your steps getting your butt kicked all along the way. that’s the quest. no, really.
  • oh, yeah, we built you a tower. at the end, the villagers like you so much that they build you a tower. the village is nothing but a bunch of huts but they build you a tower! out of bricks from… where? they don’t even mention the tower when you arrive. it’s not like they say, “oh, check out the new tower we built for you.” ok. hey, thanks for the tower. i hope your hut is working out for you.
  • useless quest item. so, i get a ring & now i can’t drop it because it’s a quest item. yeah, maybe they resolve this in version 2.1 but i have version 1.0. i don’t want to have some stupid quest item cluttering my inventory. bah. make it go away! why not just say that the guy enchants you or something – “i enchant your butt, you can now magically open the gate. excelsior!” see, no quest item bs. and, at the end, he can just magically tattoo you or something with a tattoo only he can see. there! all better & no need to give me some useless trinket that i don’t need anyway when i delete the esp files & the save game because i don’t want a useless quest item hogging space in my inventory.
  • sparse island. a mighty sparse island is this place. i dunno, is this a 1:1 representation of the island in daggerfall? i can’t remember. bah. most people haven’t played daggerfall.

i was going to write more but i won’t. i dunno if you want to download & play this mod. odds are, you don’t which is too bad because the villagers are more memorable then anyone in plain old oblivion but i wouldn’t d/l 100 megs just to have villagers describe their sob stories to you. maybe version 2.1 is better. i dunno. my verdict: this thing wasn’t much fun & now it leaves the hard drive. bye-bye.

chained heat (movie)…

i tried watching this movie earlier but i couldn’t because the phantom horrid taste of sour milk keeps haunting me. haunting me! ithe movie had something to do with women in a prison who occasionally get naked & fight with each other. not both at once, mind you – one of those at a time. i’ll try to watch this again at some point.

morroblivion…

let’s get something straight – the only reason why the game “oblivion” is still on my hard drive is because of the nine gajillion nude mods, most of them from japan (land of the deadly bath salts). ok, a few of the custom spells are pretty darn fun as well. i also download the occasional new land just to explore.

one mod that i absolutely, positively hope to see in final form someday is “morroblivion” – a conversion of the earlier elder scrolls game “morrowind” using the “oblivion” engine. see, morrowind was what bethesda used to make before someone took a rusty knife &… well, turned a ‘he’ into a ‘she,’ so to speak. just the sight & scope of morrowind compared to the “run two minutes & you’re there” shenanigans of oblivion is enough for me to try out the beta.

of course, there’s also someone who placed oblivion into the crytek engine… but that’s for another post…

sour milk…

why the fcuk does milk go sour? ok, if you leave it out in the hot sun, it goes sour. if you don’t use it for three months, it goes sour. message received. i’m talking – why did my gallon of milk go bad after just 8 days? 8 days! i had to make an emergency trip to the store to get fresh milk, dammit!

the thing happened in like a day. i went from fresh milk to sour milk in 24 hours. wtf happened?!

i hope i don’t die of something.

update – one of the things i hate about drinking (not on purpose, mind you) sour milk is that you can’t get rid of the mental taste for what feels like a year. the taste of sour milk is still mentally rattling around inside my head. gah!

fear itself (tv series)…

i’m letting this show go. look, you can’t do a stand-alone horror in 45 minutes (yeah, it’s an hour but you’ve 15 some-odd minutes of commercials). you especially can’t do a “twilight zone-ish” horror in 45 minutes because, instantly, people will know what to look for.

check it out – the latest episode has some chick about to get married. she gets a note saying that “the person you’re about to marry is a serial killer.” pretty good set-up. now, to the uninitiated, there is nothing wrong. however, check out the note… “the person…” not “the woman” or “the man.” huge red flag right there about where this episode is going.

the second clue is about where the show initially heads – the husband. look, it’s the oldest trick in the twist playbook – the first accused is never actually the killer. how many times has that been played out? too many. of course the guy ain’t going to be the serial killer because there’s no shock ending if there was. therefore, guess who the serial killer is? that’s right – the chick. in five minutes, i had the ending. i skipped over the fluff in the middle &, sure enough, at the end, the chick is the serial killer (they don’t outright say it, they imply it, though).

i hate decoding twists but it’s just so darn easy sometimes.

save this kind of stuff for a 2-hour movie or something, mkay? 45 minutes doesn’t get you anything anymore in horror.

dead heist (movie)…

ok, i’m not the audience that “dead heist” was going after because i’m not hip-hop & i don’t masturbate over the prospects of seeing a zombie movie.

the movie is about 5 bank robbers who pick a very unfortunate night to rob a bank. see, there’s a pack of roving infected “zombies” (think the zombies from “28 days later”) that only strike during a full moon. well, the one person who’s been following the pack thinks that it’s a great idea to lead them all to the bank that the bank robbers are robbing in order to kill all the zombies all at once. did i just spoil a huge chunk of the movie? yes i did. i don’t care. neither should you. let me continue.

so, i recognize that making movies is hard & there’s a lot of people involved & they invest a lot of time & a lot of effort & a lot of whatever into making a movie & it stings when someone just writes “it sucks” because i’m sure a lot of people who worked on that movie doesn’t think that it sucks because it’s their baby & dammit, why didn’t it win the academy award for best movie ever made?!

well, this movie sucks. it does. sorry.

look, i like the concept of bank robbers, in a bank, fighting zombies. that’s cool. keep that. however, here’s a hint – only develop characters if – oh, i don’t know – you plan on developing them! who the fcuk cares about any of the people in this movie? any of them? i don’t care about the chick deputy, i don’t care about the white-ish bank robber, the black bank robber, the black “zombie” hunter… there’s no character arcs! none! none of them change! and none of them change because it’s a zombie movie & what’s the first lesson about making a zombie movie? the zombies are the star! that’s right – the zombies get top billing, everyone else is labeled as “zombie chow” & you let the bullets & blood fly.

here’s how i would’ve handled things – start with a blank slate. credits rolling, these guys are planning a heist. intercut that with the zombie hunter opening sequence with him charting the where & when of the zombie pack. that part was cool. keep that. the bank robbers go to rob the bank, they rob the bank, the cops arrive, the cops are slaughtered by the zombie pack, the zombie hunter arrives. boom. rest of the movie. add to the end a little bit to tie up some loose ends. done.

you don’t need all the crap in the beginning. crap in the beginning is useless. do i care who’s financing this bank robbery? no. i don’t care because that part of the movie goes nowhere. nowhere! the big fat guy does nothing in this movie. surprise! what’s he got to do with this movie? nothing! bye-bye. i see the big fat black guy filming some chick-on-chick porno scene (which, by the way, constitutes 100% of the nudity in this film so if you were watching this film for the boobs, just stop the movie right there)  that has nothing to do with this movie… at all! useless scene. you could literally cut that scene out of the movie & never even know that it was missing. that’s how useless the scene is. bye-bye.

the beginning is lousy, the plot is cool, the ending is just sudden & unsatisfying (gee, they just walk out of the bank at daybreak, no resolution about the cash, the chick deputy isn’t concerned about friends or family or anything… did i miss something?)… watching this movie is not a good usage of time, especially if you only have another 50 or more years left to live.

washout (tv series)…

the television series “ninja warrior” has absolutely nothing to worry about, at least, not from the television show “wipeout.”

“wipeout” is an obstacle course show that pits 24 contestants (12 male, 12 female) against each other as well as against a variety of obstacles. the first stage eliminates 12 contestants, the second stage eliminates 6, the third stage eliminates 2 & then the finale has the final 4.

i dunno – i’m spoiled by “ninja warrior” & comparing this to “ninja warrior” is like comparing a masterpiece to some 6th-grade brain fart.

first, i hate reality television show people trash talking each other. i just want to reach into the television set & beat them senseless when they start trash talking. what market study survey revealed that we actually like seeing this? i don’t. it’s stupid. stop showing me this.

second, i hate the whole concept of people competing against other people. stop. ninja warrior does this beautifully – the enemy is the obstacle course. when the enemy is the obstacle course, you get to root for the contestant. i don’t “hate” a single person who competes on “ninja warrior.” i so badly wanted to see the obstacle course malfunction & kill some of the people on “wipeout.” my life is stressful enough with complete ashsoles in my real life, i don’t need to be watching more ashsoles on television making more money then me.

third, i don’t like the “we must have a winner every episode” ideology. i am so attuned to the “ninja warrior” philosophy – if they fcuk up, they don’t win. simple as that. with “wipeout,” there is no “fcuk”ing up. if you fall into the mud, you can get back up & try again. no. you’re out, loser. bye bye.

in all, i don’t think i’ll be watching this show but it does make me appreciate “ninja warrior” that much more & to that i salute you, good sir! excelsior!

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