south america…

South America, Scarlett Johansson, & the Whizzball report all after the break…

South America…

I try to keep up on international news if only to laugh at all the foreigners who think that America is a cesspool of evil & that the worst that the rest of the world can do is fart scented perfume. Go fcuk yourselves because it looks like South America is about to go to war with itself.

From what little I understand of world politics, Columbia can’t keep it’s siht together & that’s funny because everyone is always browbeating us about the Iraq war. Well, Columbia, I’ve got news for you – You can’t even get your own country together. Here you have these FARC people (note to rebel organizations – Do not use a name where your acronym is anywhere close to the word “fart.” It kind of degrades what you’re fighting for) fighting the government because their fathers fought the government & their grandfathers fought the government &… You know what, I bet they don’t know why they’re fighting each other. It’s that kind of a clusterfcuk but it happens all the time in places that just so happens to be not America.

So, anyway, Ecuador has it’s panties all knotted up in a bunch because a bunch of these FART people fled Columbia to camp out in Ecuador & Columbia bombed them. First off, Ecuador shouldn’t be a pussy about this – If you’re for the FARTers, then you should say so & declare war against Columbia. If you’re not with the FARTers, throw them out of your country. Simple. Instead, they let these FARTers roam around their countryside & then bomb Columbia as though they are going from their hotel down to the beach for some suntanning & then back again.

Not to be outdone, Venezuela is also upset because he’s also for the FARTers but he doesn’t have the balls to actually pull the trigger himself. Of course, no one pays attention to Venezuela except for their oil & because their leader is like Rush Limbaugh but with none of the grace, dignity & diplomacy that Limbaugh usually displays.

Personally, I hope they all go to war with each other because at least it would give me something to watch now that the Presidential primary season is winding down up here. I’m rooting for Columbia myself but I also wanted HD-DVD to win the format war & look at how successful they were so don’t bet the farm on my predictions.

Scarlett Johansson…

I don’t even know how to spell this chick’s name but, apparently, she’s whoring herself out on eBay but not really. Confused? Well, I guess she’s one of “those type” of actresses who has a body but won’t strip for the camera for some reason even though she’s supposedly done everything but.

Apparently, she’s auctioning off an evening with her but it’s not an evening with her because she’s allowed a clause saying that she’s extremely busy & she might not even meet you at all. In other words, if you’re as ugly as sin & creepy as heck then she might shake your hand briefly while surrounded by bodyguards & then go about her way living her luxurious lifestyle while some publicist placates you with some gift certificate to a store too expensive for you to even buy a pencil in.

I’m sure the money will be donated to charity but once I read the escape clause in this little arrangement I suddenly lost all interest. I’m sure she’s a nice person & would make a good surgeon if you trained her well enough but to donate all that money for a handshake that may or may not happen, or a few awkward exchanges with someone famous just doesn’t cut it with me anymore. Anyway, good luck to all the suckers who do try for an evening with her.

Whizzball Report…

Once more, people keep thinking they can go right past me – I started the day at #519, one back from the #518 I left off with. So, for awhile, I honestly thought I would only get back up to #518 but then I started moving. Sure enough, I wound up at #512 at the end of the day. The guy at #100 fell asleep again so that means I’m only 325 days away from getting to his position. Excelsior!

The End.

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