The Losers (2010 movie) review…

I’m just going to write it – This movie was unnecessary. It’s that simple.

“The Losers” is a 2010 movie about… Well, it’s the A-Team without the A-Team intellectual property. “The Losers” is “The A-Team” for people too young to remember what the “A-Team” was. Don’t believe me?

Literally, this was the synopsis that was pulled from IMDB (purportedly written by Warner Bros. Studio, no less):

A tale of double cross and revenge, centered upon the members of an elite U.S. Special Forces unit sent into the Bolivian jungle on a search and destroy mission. The team-Clay, Jensen, Roque, Pooch and Cougar -find themselves the target of a lethal betrayal instigated from inside by a powerful enemy known only as Max. Presumed dead, the group makes plans to even the score when they’re joined by the mysterious Aisha, a beautiful operative with her own agenda. Working together, they must remain deep undercover while tracking the heavily-guarded Max, a ruthless man bent on embroiling the world in a new high-tech global war.

Granted, “The Losers” isn’t as kid-friendly as “The A-Team” was on television: There’s a romance involving the mysterious Aisha (Let me reveal the mystery so you are less persuaded to watch this film – She’s the daughter of the drug lord that the group kills at the beginning of the film). There’s also the usual assortment of soft PG-13 elements but nothing that little Johnny or Susie hasn’t heard or seen on the playground. In fact, “The Losers” is what a PG film might have been in the pre-”Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom” days.

I keep trying to find the enthusiasm to continue to write about this film but I simply can’t muster the strength. Jason Patric is so comedic as the main villain (Max) that you can never take the film seriously. Perhaps if this film had tried for a comedic homage to the A-Team it would have found some traction but instead there’s also a betrayal sub-plot involving one team member tired of hiding from the authorities. The surprise twist that Aisha wants to kill team leader Clay because he killed her drug lord father can’t be taken seriously.

I can’t understand why this film was made. What was that studio pitch like?

“Yeah, we want to make a film called ‘The Losers.’”

“OK, what’s it about?”

“It’s about a team of mercenaries who are framed for a crime they didn’t commit.”

“You mean, The A-Team?”

“No, this one has a leader who always has an alternate plan in case the main one goes bad.”

“You mean, The A-Team.”

“Yeah… Well, this one involves clearing their names by finding the person who framed them.”

“Just like The A-Team.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true.”

“Is it true that this film is going to have a mild sex scene and people get capriciously killed?”

“The A-Team was a prime time kid’s show in the 1980s. In other words, this is a PG-13 A-Team for people born after 1985.”

“*sigh* Yeah.”

“The Losers” isn’t to “The A-Team” what “Harry Potter” is to “Star Wars,” it’s “The Losers” is to “The A-Team” what “Battlestar Galactica (the first TV series)” is to “Star Wars” without any of the corny nostalgia thrown in. There. That’s as much as I’m going to write about this.

Closemouthed Shadows & Dragon’s Claw (Dark Mod missions) Impressions…

In all fairness, I can not grant either “Closemouthed Shadows” or “Dragon’s Claw” a review for reasons described below. However, I will offer my impressions of both missions in the event that someone would like to play these missions for themselves.

Closemouthed Shadows & Dragon’s Claw are two “missions” (single-player levels) for “The Dark Mod,” a Total Conversion mod for the DOOM 3 computer game. “The Dark Mod” is an effort (and a fairly successful one at that) to replicate the game play from the “Thief 1″ & “Thief 2″ computer games created by the now-defunct computer game company “Looking Glass.” A sequel to the Thief series, “Thief: Deadly Shadows” (realistically, “Thief 3″), altered the game play from the first two games significantly in an effort to attract console and casual gamers to the franchise.

CLOSEMOUTHED SHADOWS

“The Dark Mod” has had an impressive history thus far: Most importantly, it has been released as intended. Releasing a playable mod, sadly, is a distant dream for a mass majority of mods that are started by enthusiastic teams of coders, artists and level designers. However, “The Dark Mod” has been available for public consumption long enough to have it’s history viewed in years, not months or weeks or even days. Therefore, a little forgiveness can be granted if newer players of the mod are not familiar with the mod’s earliest historical milestones.

While most players of “The Dark Mod” may recognize the mission “Tears of St. Lucia” as the ‘first’ mission, apparently, it was not. A much smaller mission, called “Closemouthed Shadows,” lays claim on being the very first playable mission for The Dark Mod. Like operating systems and programming languages, though, The Dark Mod has had the misfortune of evolving beyond the capability of playing missions designed for earlier versions of itself. In other words, like the Windows operating system, it is not entirely backwards-compatible with all of the missions designed for it. “Closemouthed Shadows,” being the very first mission, experienced this incompatibility all too well… Until recently, when it was updated to be compatible with the very latest version of The Dark Mod (v1.07 as of this writing).

At a meager 2 Megs, “Closemouthed Shadows” is more of a historical curiosity then a mission. Having never played the mission prior, I can’t tell anyone how much (if anything) has changed. The mission is, understandably, exceedingly simple – Kill someone and then steal a scepter. The tiny mission isn’t without it’s highlights – The lack of lockpicks forces the thief to find a key hidden in a boot which propels the mission forward. Not being one to kill, it was interesting to have to be an assassin for a change. In hindsight, I probably made the task far harder by using the sword. I can’t remember if I had access to broadhead arrows or not, otherwise, the kill would have been far easier.

There were a few design quirks that modern mod authors would likely not use. Amongst such quirks were having “actual” doors as non-opening doors instead of the standard type of “non-openable” doors available nowadays.

The exceedingly small size of the mission as well as it’s historical origin makes an honest review difficult at best. Players should play it merely to appreciate how significantly The Dark Mod has advanced since it’s humble but ambitious start. At 2 Megs, there’s absolutely no reason for even beginner Dark Mod players not to take a look… Just don’t expect much mission.

DRAGON’S CLAW

Unlike “Closemouthed Shadows” which measures just 2 Megs in size, “Dragon’s Claw” weighs in at an immense 97.6 Megs. The premise of the mission is to sneak into a quarantined section of The City to steal an artifact; No small task when you remember that in the world of The Dark Mod, zombies, ghosts and other unnatural but supernatural elements exist with the sole purpose of killing you.

“Closemouthed Shadows” could be called many things but it has one facet that “Dragon’s Claw” wishes it could have: Unbroken game play. Dragon’s Claw is incomplete at a few choice moments and bizarrely devoid of detail during others which is outright unusual for one of the largest missions presently available. This isn’t to say that there aren’t nice flourishes in the level – An early moment occurs when the thief, normally accustomed to avoiding everyone and treating everyone like a target to be blackjacked or killed, can walk amongst people completely uninhibited.

Through eliminating the obvious, you eventually discover that a grate underneath a dragon statue is your key in progressing to your destination. After an encounter with a female bandit in a sewer (what she’s doing there is anyone’s guess – The rent is too high elsewhere?), you succeed in entering the Plague Ward. I had the personal misfortune of jumping out of the entrance right next to a slumbering zombie. Thankfully, the zombie was not as proficient in finding me as a more lively (or, at least, an alive) opponent. I like the game play style of the zombie – The level had a layer of fog on the ground, obscuring the slumbering zombies enough so that a reckless thief might wander too close to them, awakening them. I wasn’t as appreciative with the actual model of the zombie itself and I don’t know if that’s The Dark Mod itself or the actual level designer. Regardless, the zombie didn’t look intimidating and that detracted slightly from it’s effectiveness as an enemy.

True to form, the Plague Ward has seen better days but it is also here where the first broken game play moment occurs. A wide open door in the Plague Ward leads to… Nothingness. Not just nothingness in terms of the game world but just plain nothingness. This “level leak,” where the level is literally left incomplete like a sentence stopped in mid-word, drastically destroys the frames per second smoothness of the level and literally rips the player out of the illusion of game play. I’m really surprised that a mission was left on the mission list with such a glaring defect.

The rest of the level plays fine if a bit bland. Avoid slumbering zombies, avoid ghostly patrols, steal artifact and then leave. Part of the concern was that the Plague Ward simply felt empty. There’s just nothing there in the level to give a sense of dread beyond the visuals. Yes, there are rundown homes. Yes, there are ghostly skeleton patrols. Yes, there are slumbering zombies. There’s even a ball of wavering light that I avoided out of an abundance of caution (a wisp?). Except for a small diary featuring a sort of Pagan curse placed on a family because a Pagan witch was unfairly executed, I didn’t see something that this level needed: The air of desperation. I didn’t see skeleton corpses on the ground or in a bed, consumed by The Plague. I didn’t pass through a makeshift hospital and read the diary of a doctor battling the inevitable before succumbing to the inevitable himself. I didn’t see hastily dug mass graves. Maybe there would’ve been people trying to dig under the wall to flee the Plague because that section of the city was barricaded in. Maybe a diary where soldiers on the wall shot at people inside the barricade trying to escape. A diary of a priest who has lost faith because so many people are dying despite their prayers for salvation.

The level breaks again, at least for me, once you get back to the well to escape. Quite simply, I couldn’t get back into it and was confused as to how to escape. After a long while fighting to get back into the well, I gave up.

Even if this level wasn’t broken so that I could write a fair review of it, my impressions of it are one of emptiness. Dark Mod levels are ultimately first-person puzzles that rely upon a combination of immersive elements in order to entertain. From the realistic patrols of guards, the “readables” of scrolls and books to provide tantalizing backstories, the placement of loot within the level to even the level design itself, all of these elements must converge in order to create an entertaining level. For a level that is nearly 100 Megs in size, the amount of emptiness was befuddling and not being a Dark Mod level designer, I am puzzled as to where all of that 100 megs went. If the level designer would fix the level enough to be playable, I would be half-tempted to play the level again in an effort to find out just what it was that I was missing out on.

I can’t, in good conscience, review this level because it is legitimately, mechanically broken. Yet from the amount of level that I could play, it would not be enough to simply “seal” the level up so that it stopped “leaking.” This level, besides mechanically needing to be fixed, needs a serious injection of story as well.

Journey BACK Into Imagination…

Anyone who has read this blog for an extended period of time should know by now that I am a Classic EPCOT Center enthusiast. What does that mean? It means that I liked the theme and message of EPCOT Center when it first opened in 1982: The theme was that of a permanent World’s Fair – Half of it spent on showcasing the future and the other half showcasing the better side of some of the major countries in the world.

Presenting all of my arguments about why the present incarnation of “Epcot” (They’ve long since dropped both the capitalization and the “Center”) is inferior to it’s past versions would only yield the prospect of developing premature arthritis. Needless to write, Disney executives have made some fateful decisions about the theme park that has not bode well for it’s long-term future standing as an institution of higher entertainment. Yes, people can still be entertained at such pavilions like “Test Track” and “Mission: SPACE” but also amazed, enchanted and educated as well? Hardly. “Epcot” has been reduced to a watered-down amusement park, stripped of all of it’s carefully planned messages about how the careful use of future technologies can aid humanity through the darkness of our present progress.

One never wants to wish ill will upon anyone but short of a cataclysmic disaster that removes the entire Disney executive machine from further manhandling “Epcot,” fans of the Classic EPCOT Center are doomed to a future of thinly-veiled carnival rides slathered in a coat of decent-enough production values with a thin veneer of “edutainment” on top in an almost sarcastic attempt at maintaining the original vision that EPCOT Center embraced. No one is going to re-install the character of Dreamfinder back into the Journey Into Imagination pavilion. No one is going to bulldoze Mission: SPACE out of it’s misery and rebuild the Horizons pavilion. No one is going to rip out every reference of “Finding Nemo” from the daycare center now called “The Seas with Nemo and Friends” and place back into it the more mature, more adult-friendlier theme of the futuristic deep sea base.

Technology, though, always manages to find a way to even the odds. EPCOT Center may be dead and, let there be no mistake, it is quite a miserable demise that the throngs of people seemingly entertained by the moving park bench called “Soarin’” will never experience the true wonder of “Innovations” or the people thrilled with “Test Track” can never partake in the splendor of “Horizons.” Yet the death of EPCOT Center in the physical world has given rise to efforts to rebuild EPCOT Center anew in the virtual world.

Some time ago, I advertised the “Horizons: Resurrected” effort – A project using the Unity 3D engine to recreate the Horizons pavilion that once stood at EPCOT Center. Being a non-commercial, private project, progress has been understandably slower then fans would appreciate. The project is still a skeleton of what the actual pavilion once held; Many of the scenes have not been made, the one scene that does exist has not been animated, and most of the finishing touches have not been added. It may be two or three years (or even if at all) before the project is finished. Like many others who follow that project, I am extremely grateful for all the progress that has been made on that project thus far and I hope that further progress is made in the future.

Now, there has been another effort to recreate another of Classic EPCOT Center’s pavilions – Journey Into Imagination. Called “Journey BACK Into Imagination,” the project also uses the Unity 3D engine to recreate how the entire pavilion looked when it was finally completed in 1983 (with the exception of “Captain EO” playing instead of “Makin’ Memories” in the theater). Even though the Journey Into Imagination pavilion still exists at Epcot today, both the ride and it’s exhibits have completely changed since it’s original incarnation. Gone is the beloved character Dreamfinder as well as the ride’s first version; Gone is the first version of The Imageworks, an upstairs area devoted towards interactive exhibits that had gigantic pin tables, green-screen activities, computer painting programs, a touch-sensitive floor and the famous “rainbow tunnel.”

Like “Horizons: Resurrected,” there’s no guarantee that Journey BACK Into Imagination will be completed. Also, the two share the trait that they are both incomplete with several more revisions yet to be made before the pavilions begin to approach the level of detail they will need in order to be fully functional.

However, I wish to thank the creator of “Journey BACK Into Imagination” for starting and maintaining such a wonderful project. When people finally see what they’ve been missing all these years, the stark contrast with what exists now at the pavilion with what had been will be blatantly obvious. Perhaps the Powers That Be will be shamed into performing some degree of revision that restores that pavilion back to it’s former glory.

First, a project to resurrect the Horizons pavilion. Now, a project to Journey BACK Into Imagination. With Internet efforts such as these, who needs the real thing? Before Disney lawyers slap a cease-and-desist letter on either of those projects, they should ask themselves what prompted such efforts in the first place. Having them take a good look in the mirror would be a great place for them to start… If they have the humility to do so.

The Greatest Movie Ever Sold (2011 movie) review…

There was a time in cinematic history when documentaries were drab and lifeless affairs. Documentaries were art house and festival films, unable to crack into the multiplexes that were rapidly replacing the the one- and two-screen movie theaters of yore. The best that a movie goer could hope for in their movie theater was a historic drama. Otherwise, most would simply have to suffice with their local Public Broadcasting Station (PBS) or an UHF channel willing to air just about anything from 1 AM to 4 AM.

The rise of the Video Cassette Recorder (commonly known as “The VCR”) and video rental stores gave documentaries a little bit more exposure. Gone was the ridiculously difficult hurdle of convincing theater owners that a two-hour movie about The War of 1812 would draw as much business as the latest science fiction or action offerings. Cable television, with premium channels like Home Box Office and Cinemax, also began to provide more avenues for those wanting to view cinematic documentaries.

Yet cable television and video rental stores weren’t the same as actually walking into a movie theater and watching a documentary. Documentaries weren’t just relegated to the back of the cinematic bus… Often times, they found themselves walking along the side of the media superhighway, lucky to hitch a ride by a passing video rental van or premium cable car.

Then, the documentary “Roger & Me” premiered in 1989. Documentaries were both saved and doomed at the exact same moment. Saved, for they were finally invited back into theaters again and *gasp* make actual money. Doomed, for this new age of documentaries were not the documentaries of yesteryear but were more like the “opinionated news” that proliferate on basic cable television.

Michael Moore, the director of “Roger & Me,” has since become a polarizing figure in contemporary politics. He is, for lack of a better analogy, the “Esperanto” of documentary directors – Ask anyone about movie documentaries and they’ll name him and, most likely, only him. Are there other documentary directors? Of course. Ken Burns is renowned for his documentaries on PBS but he’s not a movie documentary director.

As Michael Moore continued to be a polarizing figure, a new director emerged from the shadows: Morgan Spurlock. Unlike Moore, Spurlock’s documentaries weren’t about politics but about consumerism. “Supersize Me,” Spurlock’s breakthrough documentary, featured him attempting to eat only food from a McDonald’s fast food restaurant for one month and to categorize the health effects. If Moore was the King of Contemporary Movie Documentaries, Morgan Spurlock has quickly emerged in recent years as the Prince.

“The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” is a 2011 documentary by Morgan Spurlock investigating the proliferation of brand-merchandising in television shows and movies. Whenever James Bond flashes a Rolex watch, whenever the cast of “Friends” are eating at McDonalds, whenever the Transformer character Bumblebee turns into a Ford automobile… Those companies likely paid for that privilege. It is the new form of advertising, the type that one can’t fast-forward through. The gimmick for the documentary is simple – Morgan is attempting to bankroll the entire documentary through product placement… Even the title is up for grabs (and it does but I won’t reveal it). Along the way, Morgan also investigates how every day life is becoming more commercialized – School buses with advertisements in them, for instance.

There is, of course, an underlying amount of sly humor throughout the production. Once a company selling a health drink buys the title rights to the movie, that drink becomes more visible throughout the entire movie in places where a drink would likely appear. Interviews begin to be conducted more exclusively at a chain of gas stations once they sponsor the movie as well. Morgan also creates some in-movie commercials for some of the sponsors as conditions for their financing.

Wedged into all the advertisements are momentary interviews with a variety of directors, activists and ordinary citizens all speaking about the over-commercialization of everyday life. Ralph Nader becomes fascinated with a particular brand of footwear that Morgan is wearing. Directors assert that they haven’t been the victims of “Display It More Prominently Or Else!” studio meddling in their movies. Everyday citizens attempt to define what too much commercialization even is in their perspective.

“The Greatest Movie Ever Sold,” despite it’s subject material, though, is surprisingly anti-climactic in it’s delivery. While the subject material itself is fascinating, the presentation and the “gimmick” of the movie simply falls flat. There is never any suspense as to whether a sponsor pulls their sponsorship because of a sentence here or there. There is never a bidding war over the title or the soft drink or the footwear. It’s simply Morgan Spurlock running about, receiving sponsors for his movie and… That’s it. Why not a documentary about the making of a fictional movie entirely based upon sponsor proceeds? How about that script changing with each new sponsor, with each new type of demand? Where every sponsor has final say over how their product is displayed? Wouldn’t that have been a more powerful example of how corporate money influences art?

It’s not that the documentary itself is bad but it’s just… Bland. Perhaps the most exciting segment of the entire movie is a brief stop in Brazil, where a city has banned all forms of outdoor advertising. It was a fascinating segment and the type of segment one would expect from a documentary. Yet part of the problem of “The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” is that the phenomenon known as product placement has long been known by the public. It’s sort of like making a documentary about how the “Walk / Don’t Walk” buttons aren’t attached to anything or that food products keep getting smaller but their prices keep increasing. Yes, it’s annoying… Yes, we don’t like it… But it’s not revolutionary. It’s not eye-opening. We don’t see a radical change in Morgan Spurlock from the start of the movie to it’s very end. There’s no scene with Morgan Spurlock fighting to keep a segment of his movie in but the sponsor refuses.

A lot of people agree that commercialization of the arts is a bad thing, even if there is diverse opinion on what the bad thing actually is. The problem with “The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” is that it doesn’t sell the viewer of the damage that commercialization causes in the artistic process; Morgan never appears frustrated and, often times, is giggly amused by the obstacles placed in his path. There’s never a moment where the difficulties of making sure that an interview is conducted at a particular brand of gas station overextends the production. In short, Morgan never appears to care that his sponsors are influencing his movie.

“The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” isn’t a horrible movie, it just doesn’t realize that it’s not as revolutionary or as hard-hitting as it thinks that it is.

Grimm: Quest for the Gatherer’s Key (Doom 3 mod) Impressions…

As the Triple-A game developers all move towards the “You don’t own your own game” DRM (digital rights management) scheme for PC games, I find myself increasingly isolated in my gaming options. Older games simply do not play well with Windows 7, the latest Windows operating system. Heck, a lot of older games didn’t play well with the earlier Windows XP, either.

Having re-loaded Doom 3 back onto my new computer for the expressed purpose of playing the excellent “The Dark Mod” mod that emulates game play from the Thief 1 & 2 games, I happened upon another total conversion mod – Grimm: Quest for the Gatherer’s Key. To say that Grimm is the polar opposite in terms of game play to The Dark Mod would be an understatement.

To be fair, the version of Grimm that I played was a demo, version 0.1. From what I learned, a lot of what I played will most likely change by the time the final version is released.

Grimm’s game play harkens back to an age when first person shooters (FPS) did not have to make a lot of narrative sense. Level design existed strictly for the purpose of game play and little else. Creatures on an inaccessible ledge, waiting all day for someone like yourself to roam around? Yup. Gargantuan hallways and barren rooms without any explicit purpose? Got it. Enemies that appear out of nowhere for no other reason then to challenge the player in combat? In spades. Buttons for buttons sake? Already there.

Grimm has a story line. Want it? Here it is, ripped straight from the developer’s own words -

Heaven and Hell are at war and have been closed off to new souls. Human souls now wander in purgatory after death, unable to go up to Heaven or descend down to Hell. The angel, Gabriel, has stolen The Grim Reaper’s key of the Gatherer’s Keep, the entrance to both Heaven and Hell. He is determined to fight his way through the souls in purgatory and the Demons and Angels in Heaven and in Hell to regain what is rightfully his and restore order. You are the Grim Reaper.

The storyline is never addressed in the game. Such an omission might be due to the fact that the game is version 0.1 and, at times, feels very much like a version 0.1. For starters, people with ATI graphics cards may want to be hesitant about even installing this mod, as the ability to disable Catalyst AI seems to be a very essential step in having the mod display correctly.

Grimm is very much a first person platforming type of game, the type of game where running and jumping puzzles are the norm. You start the game with a scythe (You’re THE Grim Reaper, remember?) and can eventually move on to a fireball-spitting staff and a fiery scythe. There are red vials that increase your health, blue vials that are essentially ammunition and then armor to shield you from the eventually whipping that you are going to receive. These vials sometimes visible but mostly hidden inside of barrels and Arabic-looking vases. Purgatory, it seems, has a very Arabic influence to it, the same way that the computer game “Quake 1″ had a somewhat Lovecraftian influence wedded with science fiction.

Enemies abound in the game, including two types of skeletons (one that crawls up to you on all fours, much like the Imps from Doom 3, and one that throws knives at you), flying spirits (that remind me of a redress of the original flying enemies in Quake 1) and spiders. The spiders, for reasons that elude me, did not seem to be functioning in the version 0.1 demo. Regardless, one aspect of the v0.1 demo that will most likely change by the final version are the models for these creatures. While I can claim no superior talent, the models of the creatures appeared to have been placeholders (especially the spiders).

However, the most important enemies are the physical challenges of the game. Your first task is to navigate a series of slicing pendulums hung perilously above the typical bottomless pit. The physical obstacles never cease in this game and this is the first unfortunate design concern of the game – Aimless jumping puzzles. Why are the pendulums there? Why are the buzzsaws, the rolling spiked logs, the crushers and the spiked ceilings there? To punish the souls in Purgatory? Because someone thought they’d be neat? To crack the occasional walnut and slice the occasional loaf of bread? I’ve always wondered about the architects who had to work on these rooms – “Yeah, George, I was speaking with The Guy and he wondered if you could have three of those rolling spiked log thingies there instead of those two crushers. Yeah, I know – I told him that, too. He’s very persistent, though.” Or how about, “Hey, welcome to your first day on the job in Purgatory. He’s your work badge. Now, I’d like to show you to your work area. You’ll probably want to walk through this room here. Yeah, those are swinging pendulums over just one of our many bottomless pits. Don’t fall! Heh-heh, I always love telling new hires that on the first day. Don’t worry about railings – After a few days, you’ll forget that they’re not even there. What’s that? Yeah, it’s kind of tough jumping from spot to spot but, by the end of the month, you’ll get the hang of it. Second nature. Now, onto the next room here with these buzzsaws…”

The levels I played through were varied enough and that lent a little variety into the game. Most unique was the mine car level where a boulder pursues you, much like the famous opening action scene from the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Again, the level design was a bit mystifying with rolling spiked logs all throughout the level to challenge your mine cart’s ability to keep you alive. Why not “lean” the mine car in order to keep it on the tracks from the oncoming boulder, instead? Sure, have a few non-spiked logs that you have to jump over for variety but, otherwise, have the game play match the scenery.

Probably the largest problem that I had with this game is that I simply can not grasp the nonsensical nature of the levels. I’ll fully admit the obvious – I’m not a platform player nor do I have the ambition to become one. I understand that a platform game needs not one bit of plot explanation to derive much of it’s entertainment value from it’s intended audience. Yet to simply expect players to travel through room after room without any explanation other then, like the proverbial chicken in the quintessential riddle “to get to the other side,” may be expecting too much from such a broad demographic of players. Why not meld the rooms into a cohesive story line themselves? Have cinematics showing souls getting chopped up by the pendulums or crushed by the crushers and then you having to avoid such things? Why not have skeletons pop up out of the ground logically from mass graves or out of barrels and spiders descend from ceilings or out from otherwise inaccessible holes?

Admittedly, I did not complete this game and that is why I can’t honestly label this as a “review.” I got all of the way up to the point where I had to jump onto these platforms that receded into a wall and, despite my best attempts, I could not jump from those platforms onto a moving platform which would have moved my character to… More platforms? At that point, my tolerance for “I’m getting to the next room so that I can… Get to the next room” became obliterated and I stopped caring. There was nothing to compel me to continue onward. No story to emotionally draw me further into the game. No significant new graphics in terms of models or enemies to typify that progress was being made.

It’s clear that the game is still in it’s formative stages, with some of the game already complete (I’d be hard pressed to see any reason to change the models for the scythe, the vials, the barrels and vases) and some of the game very not complete (Spiders and skeletons that look like placeholders, spiders that didn’t look like they even functioned, some areas of the map that looked very incomplete or hastily completed).

For gamers who partake in platforming pleasures, what could be written short of “It totally sucks and you shouldn’t play it” that would prevent them from having a look? Nothing. Platforming enthusiasts should take a look at it if only to experience it for themselves. Odds are, they’d have a greater tolerance for the “I have no idea why those buzzsaws are there but I don’t care, I’ll find the motivation to move past them anyway.” Yet, I can’t help but think that for other people, playing this game will become progressively harder because the motivation just isn’t there to continue. Besides the mine car level, each level is “Go into area, study obstacles, find out what triggers skeletons to appear, see if you can get the skeletons to run into the obstacles and die, kill the skeletons yourself if you have to, avoid obstacles after the area is clear, get ammo and health, move onward.” For some people, that’s all they need. For others, not so much.

You can’t judge a game by it’s version 0.1 game play but chances are grim that I’m not waiting with baited breath to quest onward for the Gatherer’s Key. Platforming enthusiasts will likely see it differently but, for myself, I’m calling a locksmith until version 1.0 comes out.

Take Me Up To The Ballgame…

There was a time before the Internet, before cable television, when your television viewing options were determined by where you lived and how good your television’s antenna was at reception. Some television channels were received with “fuzzy” pictures, most were just static (or virtually static) and a cherished few were received clear enough to actually be watchable. Back in those days, small independent television stations were forced to rely upon actual content for their continued existence: There were no “infomercials” back then. These were the days of the “late night movie” before such a term became a cliche.

In the era where knowledge wasn’t at one’s fingertips, when computer BBSes were still exotic and uncommon (never mind the Internet), media held more power. Media, quite simply, was more valued. We live in an era where anyone can create a stupid Internet cartoon, a “chiptune,” publish their own e-book, create their own webpage, host their own Internet show… Content has been diluted to such a degree that one can only wonder if even a fraction of that content will ever be saved for future generations to enjoy. It may be argued that a majority of that content is substandard and shouldn’t be saved at all; That the ability to mass produce content has led to a glut of substandard content too massive to wade through. A similar situation occurred during the first video game era, when virtually every company was attempting to create their own video game company or video game console. Too many bad games swamped the market, too many people became disillusioned over the age of the video game and “the video game crash” occurred. Are we headed for an “Internet content crash” someday?

Back when television stations actually had to display quality content to retain viewers, some remarkable gems emerged from some unlikely places.

“Take Me Up to the Ballgame,” a small, independent animated program, was one such gem.

For decades, I had remembered only the faintest of outlines of the program – A band of Earthly misfits are abducted by space aliens and forced to play an intergalactic squad of baseball players far superior to them in every possible facet. I could only remember one moment clearly, that of an intergalactic player literally “laughing it’s head off” and then the body taking a moment to search for it’s head. That moment isn’t as macabre as it sounds.

Only recently, and after many Internet searches, did I finally find the title for this animated program that I and my childhood friends saw so many years ago. That title was “Take Me Up to the Ballgame,” created by “Nelvana Limited” in 1980. The program was created during Nelvana’s early years and they have since gone on to be quite successful in the animation industry.

I was going to attempt to review the program from an older and wiser perspective but I can’t – I’m too biased. Instead, I’ll just mention that anyone who hasn’t seen this and other such early works by Nelvana should do so merely to bear witness that not all animation used to be “anime,” “Disney” or the other powerhouses of modern times. Sometimes, good things emerge from unlikely sources and how fortunate I was to have been able to see such entertainment back when it was meant to be viewed. To be fair, the program is by no means a critical classic and it wears it’s era clearly on it’s sleeve.

Useless trivia that I didn’t know – George Lucas was such a fan of the company during it’s early years that they were the ones to create the animated sequence displayed during the Star Wars Holiday Christmas special (you know, the one where we all saw the bounty hunter Boba Fett first). The company is still held in high regard by Lucasfilms, having been memorialized in Star Wars’ “Clone Wars.”

Anyway, I never got to thank Nelvana for creating the program when it was first viewed but I can do so now – Thank you. Your company entertained I and my friends thoroughly all those years ago and I’m glad that I can finally revive my memory of that program and put a title on it.

A Night To Remember (Dark Mod mission) review…

They say that in quantum physics, the act of observing a subatomic particle alters that particle’s properties. The same could be stated for reading a review: Once someone reads a review, their opinion changes about the item that is reviewed. Maybe the person reads the review and then experiences the product and agrees completely with the review. Perhaps someone enters the review completely biased against the product, reads a glowing review but ignores the review based upon the bias. Perhaps the review enlightens the reader. Regardless of the particulars, the gist is that, sometimes, even a glowingly positive or scathingly negative review can unfortunately alter a person’s perception of the product reviewed.

Therefore, let me write this right now: If you want to play this mission, stop reading right now. I mean it. I will spoil this mission utterly and entirely which may irreversibly alter your opinion of this mission. You should, at the very least, enter this mission without any preconceived notions of it.

I mean it, don’t read the rest of this.

Go away.

I’m warning you.

I really mean it – I will spoil this mission rotten.

Are you gone yet?

Seriously – Get lost.

Alright, well, if you’re still here, that should have one of two meanings – You’ve played the mission already and want to read my opinion of it OR you haven’t played the mission yet and want to have the experience ruined for whatever reason.

“A Night To Remember” is a Dark Mod mission for “The Dark Mod,” a total conversion of the computer game “Doom 3″ that emulates the game play from the Thief 1 / 2 computer games developed by Looking Glass. The mod weighs in at 31.5 megs and was authored by “Fieldmedic” (although, to be fair, there are other credits to this mission as well). I reviewed this mission on version 1.07 of The Dark Mod and the mission version was 1.1. I played the mission on the “Expert” setting – Not that I’m an expert thief by any stretch of the imagination, just that I wanted to give myself a challenge.

Dark Mod missions follow a formulaic pattern – Enter area, steal something, avoid guards, leave. I’m not demeaning the game play for all forms of game play can be reduced down to a similar sentence. Side-scrolling adventures? Enter screen, pick up anything not nailed down, talk to everything, use everything on everything else, exit screen. First-person shooters? Enter room, kill enemies, pick up weapons / ammo / health, exit room. The art of the missions tend to be in the details – Is it a crypt or a mansion? How many “readables” (books, scrolls, notes) and how relevant are they to the mission? May I buy equipment before the mission? How many guards are there and what type? How many technical glitches are there? How many “puzzles” (hidden keys, secret rooms, etc.) are there? What does the introduction screen look like?

“A Night To Remember,” though, dares to break partially from that mold. At it’s core, “A Night to Remember” is still a Dark Mod mission – Enter area, steal something, avoid something, leave. Yet the mission refreshingly breaks a few of the conventions that are found in most Dark Mod missions. Most Dark Mod missions have our nondescript thief hiding in shadows to avoid human enemies.

1. There are few dark areas here, as most of the level is brightly lit.
2. Your opponents are most certainly not human… At least, not anymore.

In the mission, you are tasked with what should be a fairly simple endeavor – Rob a fellow friend that you are visiting of their blueprints for an airship. You perform this task under duress, being blackmailed to do so for reasons that extend only to the back story of the mission. As a result, your character starts out with no lockpicks or weapons of any kind. Your character has one fundamental advantage – No guards roam the hallways. You can literally walk upright (heck, you can RUN) in the halls – That’s akin to the real life equivalent of walking outside naked and performing all of your front yard chores au naturale while automobiles drive by. Make sure that you’re polite and wave back at the motorists.

Yet no mission is ever that simple because a thief has beaten you to the blueprints first… A thief that has also beheaded your friend and, in fact, has gone on a killing spree throughout the rest of the house, beheading just about everyone else as well. The result is that the brightly lit house is now infested with headless ghosts who roam the hallways and rooms. Different then the walking skeletal Mechanics (Thief fans know them as the Hammerite skeletons), these ghosts can harm you merely by walking close to you… Even if you’re behind a wall! The weakness of these ghosts is that they’re fairly easy to avoid – They’re not human and so you don’t need an excessive amount of darkness to hide.

Before I continue, let me merely congratulate whomever created these ghosts as an enemy. That was, quite simply, a phenomenal job. These ghosts, if they are not already, deserve to be featured in more missions. They offer a different game play experience then human guards, the undead, beasts or the Mechanic skeletons. Well done. My advice – Keep them headless.

The theme of the mission is horror (the mission was originally released on Halloween) and, therefore, spooky events abound in the mission. Paintings have glaring red eyes upon you. Paintings fall off of their walls. Pianos play mysteriously. Lights are suddenly snuffed out. Doors mysteriously creak open. And, of course, the ghosts are everywhere.

Eventually, the savvy thief stumbles upon two optional objectives – Two secret rooms, one containing paintings and the other containing gold. The gold secret was, admittedly, a bit peculiar – Only upon reading a journal does the rug become unfurled. Why couldn’t I roll the carpet up myself?

Also, the main objective starts off a bit roughly – You are meant to “chase” a murderer but it’s anyone’s guess as to where the murderer runs off to without a bit of trial and error before footsteps are finally placed down for you to follow. As a result, I received a number of failures until I stumbled upon the right path.

The “Gooods” typographical error is here as well (Sorry, “House of Theo” – I owe you an apology for that since it seems system wide and not specific to your mission alone) and, yet, for all that is slightly ajar in this mission (piano legs slightly askew, for instance), so much of this mission is refreshingly different. The ghosts add an amazing new angle for game play and alters your plans considerably. In a way, the ghosts force the play to almost “anti-ghost” the level – To run around enough to avoid the patrols and then stay far enough away from the ghosts to avoid being harmed by them. One frightful moment occurs when you are forced to pick a lock at the end of a hallway as a ghost draws nearer. Can you pick the lock in time before the ghost’s harmful aura damages you?

To be fair, I must point out that mirrors were poorly used in this mission. I kept expecting something ominous to happen with the mirrors (the mirrors, admittedly, sometimes “malfunctioned” but those were just technical glitches) and, yet, nothing happened at all. Wouldn’t it have been memorable to have had ghosts that could only be seen through looking at a mirror? And writing of ghosts, imagine if the ghosts changed colors when they were alerted? How neat would that be? Also, what was the “priest” waiting for in the conservatory? Why not escape? Was he also afraid of the ghosts? And how cool would it have been had the ghosts gotten to him first and you were there to see it?

The architecture was all fairly well placed with no outstanding oversights. I was impressed that there were considerable bathroom facilities (complete with water, in some cases) and everything made sense. The kitchen was near the serving room, servants’ quarters were sparse and the master bedroom luxurious. The “abstract painting” was a bit too anachronistic for my tastes and I wondered for a while if it had any function or if it was just decoration (I’m guessing decoration).

How often would I play a Dark Mod mission such as this? Admittedly, not all of the time. I still fancy a mission where I can knock guards unconscious and slip through the shadows. Yet to break up the thematic monotony of “enter area, avoid guards, steal something, leave area,” “A Night to Remember” accomplished being memorable in a very impressive fashion. Is this a mission for new Dark Mod players? Absolutely not. They should play 15-20 “normal” Dark Mod missions before being guided to this one. Yet that advice to abstain temporarily from this mission shouldn’t detract from the praise that this mission deserves.

“A Night to Remember” is a Dark Mod mission to remember. It’s as simple as that.

House of Theo (Dark Mod mission) review…

We are fortunate to live in a world where the Doom 3 mod “The Dark Mod” exists. “The Dark Mod” is a modification (a “total conversion” in computer gamer speak) of the game “Doom 3.” While “Doom 3″ dealt with a science fiction plot involving the planet Mars and demons, “The Dark Mod” faithfully recreates the core game play from the “Thief” franchise (specifically, Thief: The Dark Project and Thief: The Metal Age) when the company Looking Glass made those games. A third game, “Thief: Deadly Shadows,” was made by a different company and altered the game play significantly to appeal to console gamers and to fit the limitations of consoles of that era. “Thief: Deadly Shadows” is generally discredited by modern day “Thief” fans who have played all three games.

“The Dark Mod” is not a game by itself (although it comes with a training mission to familiarize players with the core game play concepts) but rather more like a gaming console – It provides the framework for individuals to create their own levels (“missions” as they are called).

“The Dark Mod” is now at v1.07 and that is the version I used in order to play “House of Theo,” created by “Theothesnopp.” “House of Theo” requires “The Dark Mod” to be patched to at least v1.06 in order to play. I played on the “Easy” setting.

“House of Theo” has our nondescript thief infiltrate a castle in order to obtain information about a possible military build up. The opening is a lackluster written introduction that informs you of the specifics of the mission. At 6.2 megs, “House of Theo” doesn’t show you the entire castle (it doesn’t even show you a map), naturally, and invisible walls limiting your outside exploration all but guides you to an open window high above to start your infiltration. The ability to specialize your inventory by buying equipment, a core feature in the “Thief” series and included in “The Dark Mod,” is not available for this mission.

The architecture of the mission is to be expected – It is a castle and most of the castle is comprised of large hallways that are brightly lit. I suspect that the architecture was intended for most people to “ghost” through the mission (in other words, sneak around without being seen or having to knock people unconscious). In fact, a good portion of the level is sparsely decorated – Whole hallways (and very large, spacious hallways at that) are barren of any clutter whatsoever. To be fair, it would make sense that peasants’ and guards’ quarters are not as cluttered as the upper echelon’s rooms. Some of the architecture is a bit mysterious (a small kitchen is located on the wrong side of an elevator – Did the designers really want food to be dragged through the eating area first, either from the elevator or down a flight of stairs?) but, since we are not able to see the entire castle, perhaps this may be explained away.

While there was never really anything abhorrently “wrong” with the mission, I never became involved with the mission either, despite having been away from “The Dark Mod” for quite a while. “Dark Mod” missions have the inherent flaw of being first-person puzzles – Avoid the guards, steal the valuables (be they gold, jewels, a book, etc.) and then leave. The art to such missions usually lie in the particulars of how such thievery occurs, the “readables” (readable scrolls and books that give in-mission back story), the unique architecture, the patrols… Even such facets as the introduction and loading screen can elevate a mission’s quality significantly. In “House of Theo,” I never perceived a level of detail that sets the memorable missions apart. The loading screen resembled something from an early 1990s video game. The objectives screen mysteriously was two repeated pages. Occasionally, I picked up “Gooods” (spelling intentional). The elevator shaft, while functional, had no machine to power it (yes, I realize “The Dark Mod” is steampunk but even the steampunk era has machines) and just seemed very… Basic. Doors didn’t have handles on them.

I can’t honestly write that “House of Theo” is a bad mission; It wasn’t. Yet I can’t honestly write that “House of Theo” was a compelling mission, either. What is most frustrating is that buried between oddly large and strangely lifeless hallways were, at least, adequately furnished rooms. Despite a few readables (notices on a memo board, letters and a book), the back story never felt compelling and I can’t understand why.

In the end, my only explanation may be that a lot of minor factors (a staircase built slightly askew and other architectural miscues, readables, plot) worked in concert but not in coordination in order to dilute this mission’s emotional impact. The “House of Theo” doesn’t need an “Extreme Makeover” but a bit of remodeling wouldn’t hurt.

The Rant – Raspberry Pi…

I’m a sucker for small and independent computer hardware projects. We live in an age of a relatively mature computer industry of Apples and PCs. Consoles haven’t changed in years, being a strictly Microsoft (XBox) / Sony (Playstation) / Nintendo (Wii) race. There’s a bit of flexibility in smartphones and tablets but Apple dominates both.

Even in software, there really isn’t a whole lot of excitement. Browsers? The only “excitement” is to see which giant, Google or Microsoft, eventually becomes the dominant browser. Firefox, Safari and Opera need not apply. Operating systems? Are you kidding me? It’s been Apple or Windows for decades with Linux being little more then an asterisk for all but the most dedicated computer users.

So it’s always refreshing to see a new project come along that attempts something close to innovation. The “Raspberry Pi” touts itself as a $25 ($35 for a more robust system) “computer” – Just add hard drive, monitor, keyboard, mouse, case… Basically, it’s a motherboard (yes, I know, single-board computer). A $25 dollar motherboard. That runs certain types of Linux (an operating system, like Windows 7 or OS X).

OK, the more I type about it, the less enthused I am about a $25 dollar motherboard. Granted, the process of designing and mass producing in some quantity this item should be celebrated to some degree but the reality is that, to most of the public, Linux is as inaccessible as Esperanto. I’m not seeing a practical application unless they try to bundle this with a keyboard and other necessities in order to make it an actual computer. I think the bare minimum would be a case so that it would simply look like a device.

Let me be clear – I am happy that I live in a world where the Raspberry Pi exists. Unfortunately, I’m not sure what I would do with such a device. Didn’t the One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) project flounder with it’s effort to make a “People’s Computer”?

Anyway, good luck to the Raspberry Pi people, I hope that their project is a success and that they make many more products. Maybe if this is a success, it will take Linux out from being a footnote in the operating system battles. Most likely not but I’m a sucker for such projects, especially if they add a little excitement in a mature industry not known for having many new players in it.

The Rant – Death of Bethesda To Me…

A long time ago, I used to post daily and a lot of my posts were rather opinionated. I got away from such postings because I ran out of creative topics to rant about and the style of the rantings just didn’t suit me.

Then, my postings went in the opposite direction, posting only clinical reviews of media like movies, television shows, games, mods, etc. The problem with posting only when you’ve written a comprehensive review is that the posts are few and far between. Also, the motivation to create such a review is a rather high barrier – Do I really want to write for an hour to compose something that someone could read in 10 minutes and most won’t read halfway through? The costs don’t justify the rewards.

So, I’m going to experiment and split the difference. On some days, I’m just going to go on a somewhat-crazed rant and on other days I’ll post a clinical and thoughtful review.

“The Rant” is going to be that – A mind-dump of my views. A complete, total opinion and one that a lot of people won’t agree with. I’ll warn everyone right now that my blog isn’t a democracy – If you write a reply and don’t see it, odds are that I deleted or ignored it. Don’t like that? Get your own blog.

The Death of Bethesda To Me…

I think it’s official – I’m quitting the btich known as “Bethesda.” Let me explain.

See, Bethesda uses Steam. Steam is DRM or “Digital Rights Management.” DRM is business executive code for “software copy protection.” It’s the code wheels, serial numbers, game manual checks for the 21st century.

With Steam, you don’t own your game. Period. I know there are a lot of Steam fanbois out there who will try to convince me otherwise. Here’s a hint – You won’t. Here’s what you can’t do with a Steam game: Buy it from a store. Install it onto your non-Internet connected computer. Play the game. To me, being able to perform the prior-mentioned steps constitutes “owning a game.” If I can’t own a game, then I don’t want to buy it because, technically, I didn’t buy it. There is nothing to buy. Imagine if you had to call Ford (or Chrysler, or GM, or fill in whatever car company you want here) every time you wanted to buy or sell a Ford automobile. Or if I had to have a talk with Sony every time I wanted to turn on my television. Want to bake something in that oven? Call Sears first. Want some cereal out of that cereal box? Better check with General Mills or Kellogg to make sure that’s OK.

I know that kids are stupid. I get that. They’ll fall for anything because I was a kid once and I fell for a lot of stupid marketing tactics back then. McDonalds played me like a fiddle for years. Star Wars grabbed my parent’s wallets and threw back what it didn’t want. Atari used me like a bank account.

Yet even for back then, I owned everything I bought. I didn’t need Hasbro’s permission to play with my action figures. There was no hot line with 20th Century Fox to approve whatever play time I had using stormtroopers or jedi knights. Whenever I read a book, I just – read – it without worrying if the company I bought it from would rip it out of my hands because they realized there might be a copyright violation or terms of service violation.

Times are different now, unfortunately. They’re conditioning kids to accept a new paradigm that you don’t really own anything anymore. That game? It’s Valve’s and they’re just giving you the privilege of playing it because they’re nice. That book? Read it all you want until the Kindle decides it shouldn’t be on your e-book reader anymore. That app? Who knows when Apple will change their mind and suddenly delete it because it causes controversy or, in hindsight, they just plain don’t like it. Heck, you don’t even get a physical product anymore and they’ve gotten a chunk of the population to like that. It’s all just 1′s and 0′s that you’re buying and nothing else.

I really wanted to buy “Fallout: New Vegas” and “Skyrim” from Bethesda. I really did. Those were two games I was looking forward to. However, it looks like they’re going to be locked away in the Steam Tower forever. That’s Bethesda’s choice. They can do with their software as they please. However, just as they have the right to rent (that’s what they’re doing, “renting” it to you) their software, I have the right not to buy it. At all.

In fact, there are a lot of games held in the Steam Prison that I would have loved to have owned. But I can’t. Because of Steam. And that’s why I’m quitting this btich. And Bethesda isn’t the only btich I’m quitting… Isn’t that right, “iD” or is “Id”? It doesn’t matter – Don’t you like it how their tune of “We’re unabashedly PC game designers” has changed within the last few years and especially for their latest release, “Rage”?

I know that there’s a silver lining with everything in life or so we’re constantly told. I didn’t want a “silver lining” (which is really just a quaint way of saying “consolation prize”), though – I wanted to buy your games. I wanted to play your games. But I can’t because I’m one of those “old fuddie-duddies” who thinks you should actually own what you buy. Yes, the money that would have gone into some game store’s pocket and, ultimately, your pocket will eventually go into someone else’s pocket but most likely not in the same industry. That’s not the point – The point is that money could have been your money. I wanted to give you the money but you didn’t want to give me the game. And that’s weird considering that you’re the one wanting to sell me the game.

So, that’s why I’m quitting you. Period. Sadly, it appears no one else is but that’s the way life works. Someday, the kids of today will grow up to be the adults of tomorrow. Will they be able to pull games out of a chest like people can pull books off of a shelf and appreciate them? Probably not. That’s where the real tragedy will occur, in accepting the paradigm that art is meant to be fleeting and not cherished, to be forgotten and not remembered.